omg its zack wtf: my math teacher staples burger king
applications to failed tests

<MasterG>
.....................................................................
..................................
<judas> where's pacman when you need him?

<Fenris> My mom found me perusing bash.org and looking up
quotes about incest, and was like OMG!
<Fenris> Now she actually goes there regularly to make sure
there aren't any new text words that have been searched for
<Fenris> I saw her looking at the site yesterday, and was
like, "WTF??"
<Fenris> And she said she was just checking to see what kind
of stuff I look at online.
<Fenris> I swear, someday I'm just going to rape that bitch.
<ctone> ...
<ctone> now theres a quote for bash.org
<Fenris> Don't you fucking dare.

<Cyan> Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but
I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I
heard the faggot.
<Cyan> Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he
was like halfway through I beat the fucking shit out of him.
<Cyan> So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops.
Once they get here, they search him and look at what he
fucking had:
<Cyan> 8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries),
Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to
"Monopoly."
<dan> Dude, you fucking killed McGuyver!

<born1986> why the fuck isn't my disc drive working
<born1986> i fucking worked on that essay for three friggin'
hours in school
<born1986> i now i cant finish it 'cos my fuckin drive ain't
working
<Z00ass> you got the right drivers?
<born1986> hell yes
<born1986> it was working fine yesterday
<born1986> why does this shit always happen to me?
<Z00ass> maybe that little clip on the side is i nthe wrong
position
<born1986> i havent touched it since school
<born1986> i'm growing impatient
<born1986> ANGRY even
<Z00ass> throw that shit out tha window
. . .
<born1986> OMG i fuckin did it!!!
<born1986> FUCK!!!!!
<Z00ass> it works?
<born1986> no, i threw it out the window
<Z00ass> the disk?
<born1986> NO the whole drive
<born1986> i live on the 6th floor, made a nice *smash*
<Z00ass> :D
<born1986> FUCK SHIT FUCK
<born1986> THE DISK WAS STILL INSIDE
<born1986> brb
. . .
<born1986> shit
<Z00ass> what? did ya break it?
<born1986> well i couldn't open the drive
<born1986> so i had to pound it against a rock
<Z00ass> :o
<born1986> quite HARD
<born1986> and you know what?
<born1986> that fucking disk wasnt even there
<Z00ass> ???
<born1986> i got so mad i threw the remaiders of the drive on
to the freeway
<born1986> and when i got back upstairs i foud the disk inside
my bag
<Z00ass> lol
<born1986> I NEVER EVEN PUT IT IN THE DRIVE
<born1986> i'm actually cryin right now
. . .
<born1986> wonder if i could make that drive work again
<born1986> brb

<Mendo> lmao there's a wicked lookign spider on my monitor and
if i move the mouse around he chases after it
<spitfire> haha mendo
<spitfire> take a screen shot
<spitfire> wait
<spitfire> that made no sense

Primus521: hey dude the funniest thing happened to me today
Primus521: im at walmart and this chick is buying a box of
tampons and they are missing the upc and wont ring up
Primus521: so the cashier tells his buddy to get a price check
on tampax
Primus521: the dude looks at him and says, "the kind u push
in, or the kind you hammer in?"
Primus521: lol
Primus521: turns out he misheard him
Primus521: he thought he said thumbtacs
Primus521: you should have seen the look on the chicks face
Primus521: omfg
Primus521: til the day i die
Primus521: i will never forget it

<Fashykekes> Capitalization is the difference between "I had
to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my
uncle jack off a horse.."

<skrike> I think the people above me are having sex
<skrike> either that or they're sleeping restlessly and
agreeing with each other a lot.

<tomfoolery> there's a small fire burning in my room
<beretta> lemme guess im supposed to act suprised that you're
telling us and not making any attempt to extinguish it, so i
can submit it to bash where it will join the ranks of the
other "SOMETHING CATOSTROPHIC HAPPENED SO I CAME TO TELL YOU
GUYS ON IRC FIRST INSTEAD OF ATTEMPTING TO DEFUSE THE HOSTILE
SITUATION" quotes that are grossly abundant, similar, and
overrated. and despite a new one is submitted each week and
only the location of the fire is altered, loyal viewers firmly
believe it is a unique and hilarious quotation, pledging
support in the form of unneccesary votes

random girl: hey!
me: ...hi?
me: who is this?
random girl: Jessica, I saw u on myspace
random girl: ur hot
me: thanks
random girl: np
me: this girl keeps bugging me, but I don't want to talk to
her
me: what should I do?
random girl: make up sum excuse, like ur mom is kickin u off
or sumthing
me: oh alright
me: I have to go
me: my mom is kicking me off
me: bye

<Malagmyr> This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.
<Malagmyr> "In English," he explained, "a double negative
forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double
negative is still a negative."
<Malagmyr> "However," the professor continued, "there is no
language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
<Malagmyr> Immediately, a voice from the back of the room
piped up: "Yeah..... right...."

<@Terror> "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of
a battlefield."
<@cky> opposite over hypotenuse
<@cky> dipshit

<ohm> damn
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> DAMN
<ohm> i was just in an AIM convo with a chick, and my
grandmother's window pops up
<ohm> FUCK
<ohm> i go like this to her
<ohm> "i want to suck on your clit"
<ohm> FUCK

<drmason> there was this one time I was wanking to porn...
<drmason> ... I kept a javascript tutorial open in another
window so my parents didn't start wondering why I was always
on the desktop with no windows showing
<drmason> so I'm just about to splurge when I suddenly hear my
dad coming up the stairs
<drmason> alt-tabbed to the other window and tried to pull my
boxers up... computer stalled JUST THEN as my dad was opening
the door
<drmason> I just stood up and was like "fuck... dad this
honestly isn't what it looks like"
<drmason> and he glanced at the screen and said "I sure hope
so because it looks like you're masturbating to a fucking
javascript tutorial"

<JoshtheRipper> Brad do you have any issues with " burn in "
on your plasma?
<KnaveBrad> nope
<JoshtheRipper> kool
<JoshtheRipper> How well does it handle blacks
<KnaveBrad> I have it bolted to the wall, so they can't really
take it without some serious work

<Sigurd> a sprite is anything not static
<SRElysian> a sprite is a variable object
<SRElysian> be it 2d or 3d
<TorMuck> a sprite is a fucking soda
<TorMuck> you god damn geekass bastards

<BombScare> i beat the internet
<BombScare> the end guy is hard

<Galactic>  you know what's ALWAYS bothered me? cold cereal
mascots
<Galactic>  I mean that is just some FUCKED UP SHIT
<Galactic>  the Trix rabbit, for example
<Galactic>  I dunno man... if I were him I'd be fucking
KILLING some kids
<Galactic>  I remember a commercial where the fuckin rabbit
WENT INTO A FUCKIN STORE AND BOUGHT A BOX OF TRIX WITH HIS OWN
FUCKIN MONEY.
<Galactic>  fuckin kids came outta NOWHERE and basically
fuckin mug the poor stupid bitch rabbit
<Galactic>  "silly rabbit Trix are for kids"
<Galactic>  Fuckin rabbit just sits there and looks depressed.
<Galactic>  FUCK NO that wouldn't fly with me
<Galactic>  I'd have pimp-slapped EVERY ONE OF those fuckin
bitches
<Galactic>  and made them go get me the REST of a "complete
breakfast" and eat Trix right in front of them bitches and
THEN beat the shit out of them some more.
<Galactic>  and wtf is with the disguises? All the dumb rabbit
does is hide his ears and all of a sudden he's a fuckin kid?
<Galactic>  I dunno about you, but if I SAW a 6 foot fuckin
RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap, I wouldn't
immediately think
<Galactic>  "Hey, there's a cool lookin human kid, let me go
over and share some of my cereal with him"
<Galactic>  NO.
<Galactic>  I'd be thinking
<Galactic>  "that's a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears
tucked under a baseball cap... what the FUCK was I just
smoking?"
<Galactic>  another thing... wtf is up with cereal being "A
part of this complete breakfast"
<Galactic>  last time -I- checked, cereal WAS breakfast
<Galactic>  they show a big ass bowl of frosted flakes next to
a waffle, a pancake, toast, a banana, a fuckin grapefruit...
who the FUCK eats a breakfast that big
<Flaming_Duck>  not me
<Flaming Duck>  I don't even EAT breakfast nomore
<Flaming_Duck>  I mean, I eat when I get up
<Flaming_Duck>  but the whole thought "BREAKFAST IS ONLY
SERVED UNTIL SUCH AND SUCH TIME"
<FLaming_Suck>  bitch, you make my fucking sausage and egg
sandwich when I pay you the fucking money
<Flaming_Duck>  don't give me that shit.
<Galactic>  Back to stupid cereal mascots...
<Galactic>  Lucky Charms.
<Galactic>  FUCKING LUCKY CHARMS
<Galactic>  Lucky can turn the fucking MOON into a
marshmallow, and he can't escape a bunch of fucking 6 year
olds?!?!?
<Galactic>  C'mon now, Lucky.
<Galactic>  I KNOW your bitch ass has got to have a "Blow the
fucking kids up" spell SOMEWHERE
<Galactic>  or make "kid marshamllows" and EAT those bitches.
<Galactic>  "They're after me Lucky Charms!"
<Galactic>  ....
<Galactic>  KILL THEM, BITCH!
<Galactic>  I dunno why I went off on this rant here
<Galactic>  it's just always bothered me."

-[Conroy_Bumpus]- OH FUCK ME
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- I FORGOT TO PICK UP MY 7 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
FROM SOCCER PRACTICE
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- 9 HOURS AGO
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- HOLY SHIT
-[Conroy_Bumpus]- BYE

<Axe> I
<Axe> do
<Axe> not
<Axe> know
<Axe> where
<Axe> family
<Axe> doctors
<Axe> acquired
<Axe> illegibly
<Axe> perplexing
<Axe> handwriting;
<Axe> nevertheless,
<Axe> extraordinary
<Axe> pharmaceutical
<Axe> intellectuality,
<Axe> counterbalancing
<Axe> indecipherability,
<Axe> transcendentalizes
<Axe> intercommunications'
<Axe> incomprehensibleness.
<JediHobbes> woah
<JediHobbes> *blinks*

<reptile-> The first time hypr opened a box of Cheerios and
looked inside he yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!"
<hypr> wtf are donut seeds

<Spazz> Seems like when I say "FUCK" you get an EOF error  :o
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
<Bartolimis> fuck
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
<Bartolimis> fuck
<Spazz> fuck
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
<Spazz> fuck
<Bartolimis> stop
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
<Bartolimis> we're done >:)
<Ranto> hmh?
<Spazz> Your client got an error...
<Bartolimis> yeah, we're done saying fuck
<Spazz> everytime we said f***
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
<Spazz> Quit saying fukc
<Bartolimis> my bad
<Spazz> fuck*
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)
*** Joins: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
<Icc> Someone says fuck and he drops ?
*** Quits: Ranto (~recon@newax2-042.dialup.optusnet.com.au)
(Read error: EOF from client)

*** Quits: TITANIC (Excess Flood)

Curt teh Juggler: our graduation ceremony was today, and right
when some gamer nerd got his diploma, someone in the audience
played the zelda "get item" music and he did the zelda
spin-hold-out-item stance
Curt teh Juggler: it was quite possibly the most amazing thing
ever.

<DigiGnome> Real life should have a fucking search function,
or something.
<DigiGnome> I need my socks.

Jakefeb3: do you know a turtles only weakness?
AvatarOfSolusek: no
AvatarOfSolusek: well
AvatarOfSolusek: thier slowness
Jakefeb3: there weakness is they cant roll over when they are
on their backs
AvatarOfSolusek: lol
Jakefeb3: now i have a plan
Jakefeb3: if i duck tape 2 turtles together they are
unstoppable

<Quake-Hat> brad, your mom is fine as shit
<Quake-Hat> i think i will masturbate to her while i play with
my balls
<bad_brad> brad had to go blow his nose, but thanks for the
compliment, i will be calling your mother
<Quake-Hat> Jesus-fucking christ!!!

* Spoon casts Wall of Silence
*** Spoon sets mode: +m
<Goku> why?
<Spoon> Because exo went insane
<Goku> no, he just brought his insanity up to another level
* Sentinel checks..
*** Sentinel sets mode: -m
<exogen> THERE'S BUTTER ON MY FACE!
*** Sentinel sets mode: +m

SergioThree: there's other fish in the sea, man, she's just a
girl
Beatsfromkorea: no dude, that's bullshit.
Beatsfromkorea: Think of it this way. if your precious copy of
street fighter third strike broke and i told you "it's ok man,
there's other games in the sea. here, play mortal kombat
instead" what would you say? you'd be like, "fuck that, gimme
third strike."
SergioThree: ...
SergioThree: you just reached me on a level that i never
thought possible

<Domsey> Woah, I got the weirdest moment of my entire life
this morning
<bender> what happened?
<Domsey> you know, there was a party at my neighbours' last
night
<bender> yeah, you've been fucking drunk..
<Domsey> you've been there, too?
<bender> sure...
<Domsey> well, you see i can't remember anything
<Domsey> but this morning I woke up in my bed, and there was
my mom lying next to me.
<bender> wtf...?
<Domsey> That's exactly what i thought
<Domsey> So, my mom got up instantly when i woke up, smiled at
me and said "U're so much better than your dad is." then she
left the room
<bender> OMFG!!!
<bender> you didnt do that! TELL ME IT WASNT LIKE THAT!!! TELL
ME YOU'RE A DUMBASS LIAR!!!
<Domsey> no, i'm not lying
<bender> OMG!!!
<Domsey> but it turned out she was playing a trick on me.
Paycheck for coming home late, all drunk.
<bender> ...
<bender> your mom's such a freak. o.O

<Tall Israeli> I think just about anyone who meets me and
talks to me for long enough comes to terms with the fact that
I am a very sick, twisted person. Also factor in a few
mountain dews, a Peer-to-Peer connection, and boredom and you
get what might be the funniest combination imaginable.
I had been downloading music yesterday evening. Led Zeppelin,
REO Speedwagon, Flock of Seagulls, things like that. Then I
realized that it'd be a funny joke to play on people if I were
to change "Keep on Rolling" to "Hot Lesbian Sex". I watched as
within minutes this file got 50 downloads. I was astounded.
Then the Tom got an idea.
An awful idea.
The Tom got a wonderful awful idea.
What if, perhaps, I was to change some of these names to sick
pornography titles? I wonder if I'd get any bites?
And this is where the fun begins.
The first title I put up was "Naked boys dancing and eating
cake." I sat in anticipation, waiting for my first download.
Success, the first download came. Then the second. Then the
third. This baby was steamrolling down the information super
highway like a trucker with a hardon that has 2 miles left to
the next truck stop. Before I knew it, I was getting twenty
downloads. Then thirty. Then fifty. Can you imagine that in
the end, rather than getting dancing boys naked and indulging
themselves with sweets and frolicking in a dewy meadow,
one-hundred thirty two people got a disappointing video of Led
Zeppelin performing "Dazed and Confused" in front of a live
audience? At this point, I had no choice but to continue.
The second title I put up was "My Ex-Girlfriend mowing the
lawn naked." I thought that this was too far out to get any
downloads. Alas, I was wrong. It got a download. Then two.
Then thirty. In the end, seventy-eight sweaty, drooling fudges
wanted to see my ex girlfriend mow the lawn stark naked. She's
not even that hot. Rather then get their lawn-mowing beauty,
they got the song "Ozone baby."
For the third title, I decided to transform "White Wedding"
into the more intriguing "Elephant cock horse." I wish I could
say I was kidding when this thing was downloaded one hundred
eighty seven times. I guess there is something about horses
and elephants showing their cocks that bring out the best in
people. I nearly died of laughter at this point. "How can
nearly two hundred people want to see naked animals? They're
ALWAYS naked!" For sanctity's sake, we're going to leave this
as a mystery. I hope I turned some people on to Billy Idol,
hopefully distracting them long enough to forget that
masturbating to horse and elephant genitalia are not really
something their mothers would be proud of.
I couldn't stop myself from doing another. "Grandma Bingo
Sex." Short and sweet. I couldn't stop myself from
amusing.........myself..... "Grandma Bingo Sex." Surely not a
common scenario, and surely not a scenario that would arouse
many a twisted psyche. Apparently I know nothing about the
human psyche. One hundred twenty two. ONE HUNDRED TWENTY TWO
PEOPLE would like to see grandma getting bent over the bingo
table, game card in hand, getting donkey punched by a 90 year
old addle brained porn star. I rubbed my eyes just to double
check. My eyes had to be lying to my brain. My penis had
shriveled to the size of a 2 day old Wendys chicken nugget.
They asked for Grandma.
They got Joan Jett.
At this point I had to start taking puffs of my albuteral
inhaler to keep from suffocating myself with laughter. "Girl
on girl toe insertion (LEGAL)" was my next proud creation.
Everyone likes 38 Special, so everyone won't feel like such
dumb-asses after downloading this footy piece of crap. Never
underestimate the inertia traveling behind a toe inserting
itself into a rectum, friends. It's like a fudging semi
hurling down Interstate 40 in the noonday sun. One hundred
twelve people wanted to jerk to this. God have mercy on us.
At this point, for some odd reason, the user name "Enraged
Baboon" popped into my head. "Enraged Baboon fudging a nipple
factory." No way in hell would this get many downloads. Who
could possibly type in any or all of those keywords? I guess
people like seeing sweaty red-ass baboons, nostrils flaring,
banging their chests like Marky Mark in the movie "Fear",
having sex WITH each other in a factory that produces
baby-bottle nipples. Imagine what those children would look
like. One hundred seventy two people typed those magic words
into Limewire, and got a hot steaming pile of monkey love.
Well, it was Pink Floyd, but a man can dream, cant he?
This could all seem very disturbing. My final experiment,
however, made me dizzy as my precious sack retreated into my
pelvis. ...THREE PEOPLE...three disgusting, drooling,
perverted, fudged up people, wielding a box of Puffs Plus and
a tube of Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion, bright eyed and
bushy tailed, wanted to see "An emu taking a vicious dump."
How does one take a VICIOUS dump and how does an EMU take one,
for that matter?
Ladies and gentlemen: this is why I have lost every last ounce
of faith in humanity.
If I may quote Method:
"You're going to make a lot of sick people very unhappy."

<Kuiper> Well, it rained today, but as a whole it's been
warmer than it was last week.
<kikuichimonji> Why does it seem like every time you join this
channel, you end up talking about the weather?
<kikuichimonji> Is your life so unimaginably dull that you
can't think of any events in your life to describe that might
be more interesting than the weather?
<kikuichimonji> Let's think of something for you to talk about
other than the weather.
<kikuichimonji> I mean, we barely even know anything about
you, other than where you live.
<kikuichimonji> Let's start there.  What do you do for a
living?
<Kuiper> I'm a meteorologist.

<lib1790> so, at this college there was an extra credit
question "Is hell endothermic or exothermic"
<lib1790> this is what one kid wrote:
<lib1790> First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they
must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at
what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are
souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.
<lib1790>As for souls entering hell, lets look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of
these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one
of these religions and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
<lib1790> Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in
hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of
souls and volume needs to stay constant.
<lib1790>So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and
pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose
(i.e.,Hell is exothermic).
<liv1790>Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than
the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and
pressure will drop until hell freezes over (i.e.,Hell is
endothermic).
<lib1790>So which is it? If we accept the postulate given by
Ms.Therese Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a
cold night in hell before I go out with you," and take into
account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a
relationship with her, the second case cannot be true.
Therefore, hell is exothermic.
<lib1790> the kid was the only one who got credit

<@AntiHeiss> friend of mine went to jail last night
<@AntiHeiss> he probably isn't getting out for a while
<%The_Coolest> y?
<+Enyo> why?
<%The_Coolest> :o
<@AntiHeiss> it was a girl cop, she was pretty cute too
<@AntiHeiss> she said anything you say can and will be held
against you....he sat there for a while and said 'tits'

<Ich> I have passed the transitional stage of internet
geekhood
<Ich> I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the
code for plums, which is 4040.
<Ich> and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in
wrong.
<Ich> and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
<Ich> and I actually laughed out loud

<BlackDeth> i like stalked this girl sorta :D
<BlackDeth> like once she asked me for a ride home from work
<BlackDeth> and i took her home... i dropped her off at her
house
<BlackDeth> and shes like... wait a minute..how did you know
where i lived?

<Meph|st0> Complaint : BOUGTH IT FOR MY COUSIN WHO HAD CANCER,
ITEM NEVER ARRIVED AND MY COUSIN DIED
<Meph|st0> thats the greatest ebay feedback i have ever seen

<MortalKombat> stfu mat|t u cu.nt
* Acaila sets mode: +b MortalKombat!*@*
<@Acaila> FINISH HIM
<mat|t> rofl
<MortalKombat> omg wtf man
* MortalKombat was kicked by Acaila (forward, forward, back,
back, forward, punch)
<@Acaila> FATALITY!

<ikkenai> i don't have hard drives. i just keep 30 chinese
teenagers in my basement and force them to memorize numbers

Gear Grinder X: once, we had these total freak seventh day
advenist (or whatever) freak ass neighbors
Gear Grinder X: and this girl Lanna was a little younger than
me
Gear Grinder X: she was a bitch, and they were all totally
religious
Gear Grinder X: she threw rocks at me once on my bike, and so
I turned around, and went to run over here
Gear Grinder X: I was hauling ASS, and you know what she did?
Gear Grinder X: put her hands on her hips, and stood there and
said "The lord will protect me"
Gear Grinder X: well.... he didn't

<Locke|Away> I found a note in one of my old word .docs that
said Note to self: Get revenge on Valvados.
<Locke|Away> Except I couldn't remember what I was supposed to
get revenge for.
<Locke|Away> But I trusted my own judgment, so I went with it.
<Valvados> ...
<Valvados> o.o
<Valvados> hmm
<Valvados> i dunno what you were supposed to get revenge for,
either
<Locke|Away> I can only assume you got what was coming to
you.  Not 100 percent sure, though.
<Valvados> well, whatever i did, i guess i deserved it
<Locke|Away> Let that possibly be a lesson to you.

dftpnkezln: For all of you reporting a score more than 100 as
you iq lol @ you. How can you possibly score more than 100%?
dftpnkezln:I'm very happy with my score of 89.

<factorial_nine> "Male masturbation is a personal turn off for
me. As a single woman, I'm especially looking for a man who
doesn't masturbate, even while he's single."
<factorial_nine> GOOD LUCK, BITCH.

<beser> Today my History class took a feild trip to the Museum
of Tolerance. Its a museum showing kids not to be prejudice
and all that good stuff.
<beser> Anyways, one exhibit is two doors next to each other.
One door has a sign hanging over it saying "Those with
prejudice walk through this door" The other door's sign said
"Those without prejudice walk through this door". Obviously
the door for people without prejudice isn't openable because
as the tour guide says "Everyone has prejudice".
<beser> So, I start tugging on the door and say "What the hell
is wrong with this damn door, did some damn Jew make this?"
and the tour guide kicked me out and i had to sit in the bus
for 15 minutes

<Raize> can you guys see what I type?
<vecna> no, raize
<Raize> How do I set it up so you can see it?

<+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out
stuff yourself..
<+Christin1> how do i do that

ruide: hey chris, stop fuckin cybering and let me show you
something
cyph33r: what
cyph33r: i dont cyber cockbite, i have a gf
ruide: haha
cyph33r: what did you want to show me
ruide: i made an account on that scrabble website you go to
ruide: bubblegal_14
cyph33r: wtf
cyph33r: omg fuck you you fucking prick
ruide: chrisharker: i slide two fingers into your tight
asshole
cyph33r: YOU ARE A FUCKING FAGGOT YOU KNOW THAT
cyph33r: I FUCKING HATE YOU
ruide: chrisharker: i've never done this before, am i doing it
right?
cyph33r: FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE

<reuben> somebody keeps jiggling the doorknob on my front
door, then running away
<reuben> i don't know if i should call the police, or hook up
some electricity to the doorknob
<cristobal> why don't you put ice on the stairs
<cristobal> and heat up the door knob
<cristobal> and swing paint buckets down from your two story
foyer
<cristobal> then a few years later, fade from the public
eye.....

<acidwar> last night, tony and I decided to stop off on the
way to the party to get some beer
<acidwar> we come out of the shop a few minutes later and
there's a parking guy writing a ticket
<acidwar> tony goes up to him and asks him what the ticket's
for, parking guy explains that the car is parked in a no
standing zone
<acidwar> tony starts abusing him and tells him to cram it up
his ass, so the guy writes a ticket for abusing him
<Nuzzler> haha
<acidwar> so tony gets up him even more, and every time he
says something the guy writes another ticket
<acidwar> 14 tickets later, the guy gives up and walks off
<dendyh0> ...
<acidwar> and we both PISS ourselves laughing as we walk back
to tony's car around the corner, leaving some poor bastard
with 14 parking fines :D
<dendyh0> AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<Nuzzler> ROFL!!

<@maddox> FUCK!
<@maddox> my mom just found my website
<+DMTec> isn't she proud?
<+khoveraki> ha
<@naken> you've been on tv 2 times, in the newspapers several
times, been banned from a country, has 40 million pageviews
<@naken> and you didn't tell your mother?
<@maddox> "what is this? Did you draw this? It looks like a
penis."  "No mom, I didn't draw a penis"
<+DMTec> ROFL
<+DMTec> "no mom, i didn't draw a penis" thats good
<@maddox> now she's crying
<RichK> haha, your mom doesn't know about your website?
<@maddox> (on the phone)
<+DMTec> maddox: did she see the "suprise - I have a
penis"-greeting card?
<@maddox> dmtec: oh fuck, I forgot about that.. yeah I guess I
did draw a penis.
<RichK> bahahahaha
<@maddox> hahahahahaha she just said "I wish I would have died
and not raised you"
<+khoveraki> rofl
<@maddox> she hung up
<RichK> You are dispwned maddox

<XnD> Personally its not God I dislike, its his fan club I
cant stand

<Kazz> Do vampires have anuses? Cause that's why I wouldn't
let this kid invade a vampire's anus in this RPG, right, I was
GMing, and his character was an Anus Shade, with the power to
possess and control the anuses of people and animals.. and I
figured that vampires don't have anuses.
<Zaratustra> a vampire's anus is present, but non-working.
<Zaratustra> like a network card without the appropriate
driver.
<Kazz> Wow. You're the biggest dork on Earth.
<Sharkey> And you're DMing an rpg with Anus Shades.

Egger: Heres the history of our medicine.
"I have a sore throat."
2000 BC : "eat this root"
1200 AD : "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1500 AD : "That prayer is superstition, drink this
elixir."
1800 AD : "That elixir is snake oil, Take this pill."
1900 AD : "That pill is ineffective, Take this
antibiotic."
2000 AD : "That antibiotic is artificial, Here why dont
you eat this root."

<Polytope> tetris is so unrealistic

<green> We vegetarians love the environment. carnivores are
sick freaks.
<Frank> How can vegetarians possibly love the environment..
you keep eating all the fucking plants

Spin: arrrr, pirates of the south west
Spin: thar be large pipes o'bandwith near ye'ol univarsety.
Pirate: yearg, ye may be an ta somethan thar.
Spin: what say ye we pull yonder USB hard disk longside yonder
NMSU puter and begin tha lutin and plunderin.
Pirate: yearg. The master done gaved me a testin machine with
a grand ol CDR.
Pirate: Avast!
Pirate: MP3s off the starboard bow!
Spin: stere clear of ye porn pop ups rollin in from tha east.
Pirate: I have mah trusty Opera browsa to help me fend em off.
Spin: encrypt the data holds, batton down thar security
patches, argh thar be spyware abound.

WallJam7: roses are red
WallJam7: violets are blue
WallJam7: all of my base
WallJam7: are belong to you

<+mOrphz> damn it :/
<@Lego> damn it :/
<+mOrphz> stop that
<@Lego> stop that
<+mOrphz> :D
<@Lego> :D
<+mOrphz> Lego smells
<@Lego> Lego smells
<+mOrphz> /quit
quit: (Lego) (~leet@apex|Lego.user.gamesnet) (Quit)

<DemonEater> wtf
<DemonEater> ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope
championship
<DemonEater> who the hell watches jump rope competiti--- ooh
bouncy

<Pahalial> "ignorance more frequently begets confidence than
does knowledge" - Charles Darwin
<kionix> wtf? begets isn't a word. quit trying to make up
words, fuckface.

<Thumb> do you know of any major organizations that are
similar the CDC?
<Lucent> who?
<Thumb> center for disease control
<Lucent> i said WHO
<Thumb> what? i'm asking you
<Lucent> World Health Organization

<pihlopase> Jesus Saves
<jbroome> pases to moses, SCOOOOORE

<blazemore> omg i love this song
<blazemore> Now playing: Unknown Artist - Track 2 @ 128 Kbps.
(0:47/3:24)
<Javi> blazemore:  yeah, that's a bad ass song

<Fireslide> next person to talk after his line will be kicked
:)
<Fireslide> *this
* Fireslide was kicked by Fireslide ( 12  619 12  )

<Pax> I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

<SRG> Metallica sold out in 45 mins :/
<NotOneOfUs> Yeah I know.
<NotOneOfUs> Oh wait
<NotOneOfUs> You mean, like, a concert?
<SRG> yes

<Sabdo> on one of those speech-to-text programs my friend
ripped ass onto the mic.
<Sabdo> and it typed out "France"
<Sabdo> we were like, wtf?

[01:33] (hilo21) ima looking for a site that seels amp
[01:33] (hilo21) ima looking for a site that seels amps
[01:33] (hilo21) iam looking for a site that seels amps
[01:34] (hilo21) I am looking for a site that sells amps
[01:35] (nexxai) how bout you look for a site that teaches
english?
[01:35] (hilo21) fuck you
[01:36] (nexxai) Lemme guess, you'd kick my ass, but can't
read the road signs to get to my house?

<aryov> This cake is soooo good
<aryov> it's like sex, except I'm having it

<blazemore> LITTLETON, Colo. - Colorado officials plan to try
a 15-year-old boy as an adult for allegedly offering a Sony
PlayStation to have his aunt killed.
<FlipTopBx> is it modded?

<superwoman> I had a boyfriend once that made me suck him off
while I had a mouthful of beer.
<GrandCow> HAHAHAHA that was me bitch!
<superwoman> DANNY?!?!?!
<GrandCow> MOM?!?!?!?!

<Goatroper> so i had a checkup at the doctor a couple months
ago
<Goatroper> i waited in the goddamn lobby for like 2 hours
<Goatroper> i was just starting to doze off when they called
me back into one of the exam rooms
<Goatroper> so i sit on this chair for like 30 more mins, and
then fall asleep
<Goatroper> i wake up and have no idea what time it is or how
long i've been waiting
<Goatroper> so 20 minutes later after I finished reading the
Hispanic Business Weekly
<Goatroper> I start diggin through the drawers in the exam
table and his desk drawer
<Goatroper> i find some hypos and don't touch them, some
dressing gowns, and then i get to the drawer marked "OB/GYN"
<Goatroper> i open it up, take a peeky-peek inside, and what
do I see? Speculums and rectal dilators.
<Goatroper> At this point I'm in his desk rolly-chair
<Goatroper> with about 40 rubber gloves in my pockets for
later use
<Goatroper> so I grab a speculum in each hand
<Goatroper> and start making them sing and talk like little
ducks
<Goatroper> i was rooting around for a sharpie and couldn't
find one
<Goatroper> so i put them down and did my glove-trick
<Goatroper> i stretched a rubber glove over my head and blew
it up
<Goatroper> then i grabbbed the speculums and started spinning
around in his chair
<Goatroper> glove inflated on my head the size of two
basketballs
<Goatroper> speculum in each hand
<Goatroper> spinning in his office chair
<Goatroper> i hear footsteps and as i'm extending my legs to
slow down, the door opens
<Goatroper> the doctor is standing there with my chart in his
hand
<kr0nus> omg
<Goatroper> i stopped spinning and just sat there, looking at
him through the thin film of the glove
<Goatroper> he was like "Corey.....?"
<Goatroper> I said "Yep."
<Goatroper> held up the speculums.
<Goatroper> said, "I got bored."
<Goatroper> and he was like "That's quite a trick with those
gloves. Where did you learn that?"
<Goatroper> I said "Many doctor's offices in many states."
<Goatroper> He was like "You want to take some with you?" as I
got up
<Goatroper> I pulled the wad out of my pocket and said
"Already did."
<Goatroper> then I walked out and i heard him laughing like a
goddamn maniac as soon as the door was closed
<Goatroper> then the other day i go in again rofl and he just
hands me a brand new unopened box of 100 gloves
<Goatroper> i was gonna ask for some speculums just to fuck
with him but I was afraid he'd give me some

<Tedward> so there's this pimp right. he's collecting money
from his three ho's.
<Tedward> he goes to the first ho and asks for his $100. she
says, "But I only owe you $50!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> he asks the next ho for $150. she says, "But I only
owe you $100!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> now he goes to his third ho.
<Tedward> he asks for $200. "but I only owe you $150!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> next he visits the fourth ho.
<Tedward> he asks her for his $250.
<Thy_Dungeonman> hold on, wait a sec
<Tedward> what?
<Thy_Dungeonman> you said three ho's, not four. idioth.
*Tedward slaps Thy_Dungeonman
<Tedward> Don't correct me, bitch.

Josh: QUESTION FOR EVERYONE....
SecureXeC: IT'S TO THE LEFT OF YOUR 'A' KEY.

<Charlesowns> Man i was surfin porn and like "normal" surfin
at the same time, so my mom comes in and i quick as hell  tab
down the porn. So now im looking at a SWAT vest and an Mp5
submachinegun trying to hide the giant penis in my pants. Then
all of a sudden this realy gay male voice speaks out realy
loud goin "i want to suck your big dick ans swallow your hot
sperm" then like 100 popups open up all consisting of hardcore
fetish gayporn.
<Charlesowns> man my mom started crying and now she thinks im
gay... it owns

<broox> so my speakers haven't beeen working for a while
<broox> they were plugged into the mic port
<npl> umm, i think they are color-coded
<broox> haha, i know
<broox> i usually just reach back there and guess which hole
it is
* npl has set the topic on channel #cell6 to <broox> i usually
just reach back there and guess which hole it is

silic0nsilence: So it's black friday at CompUSA.
Slider: Yea
silic0nsilence: We were to open up at 12am. It's 11:58pm and
there is a HUGE line of blood-thirsty, hard drive-wanting,
maniacs. So my friend dares me to scream we have one xbox360.
Slider: Holy shit.
silic0nsilence: So he gives me $20. I go up to the gate and
scream, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE JUST RECIEVED ONE
XBOX360!!" Immediatly people are storming the gate, passing me
money through the cage to get it. They were screaming and
knocked over this old lady. My boss just looks at me with
these red eyes. In them, I saw fear and rage.
Slider: Omg you dumb shit!
Slider: Wait a second, it's 12:46A, and it's black Friday.
What did this happen minutes ago? Shouldn't you be at work?
silic0nsilence: Yeah..
silic0nsilence: Pretty sure I don't work at CompUSA any more..

<N> which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and
five ARE thirteen?
<Joker> Neither.
<Joker> Because it's twelve.

<Firefly> Time for my prayers:
<Firefly> Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
<Firefly> May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
<Firefly> May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
<Firefly> Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a
phat pipe.
<Firefly> And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz,
just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
<Firefly> Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z
box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and
wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd
appreciate it.
<Firefly> For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever,
4m3n.

<Tsk> oiuyniyu98h987h89yh87y98yjn987j987y897yhkiuk;''''
<Tsk> sorry.. there was a spider on my keyboard.

<riesto>  So I discovered that half my students are failing
because they just read bash.org every day in class.
<tumnest>  How'd you determine that?
<riesto>  One of them *accidentally* e-mailed me explaining
how no one does anything in the class, dumbasses.
<riesto>  So if you're reading this, students, GET TO FUCKING
WORK!  MODULE 10!

<Edofnor> #1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag
smell like chloroform to you?

* @Lan plays with his privates.
<Rintaun> ...
<@Lan> I got these new toy soldiers
<@Lan> They are really neat

* Quits: crag-- (crag@202.154.72.136) (Dead girls dont say no)
* Quits: KiM (KiM@134.115.157.196) (going for a walk :p)
<@ShowDowN> that is sick
<@ShowDowN> we should ban him next time he comes in
<@nekro> yeah, who the hell goes for walks

<cooksii> incest is at least something the whole family can
do.

<booradley> I'd like to perform a one act play I call,
"Creative screwed me like a bitch"
<booradley> <audigy> Buy me! I'm ever so sexy
<booradley> <boo> ok. come home with me and we'll play among
the stars
<booradley> <audigy> tee hee! I love you, boo!
<booradley> <boo> I love you too, audigy
<booradley> :: later ::
<booradley> <boo> there, you're all installed. how do you
feel?
<neshura> down in front!
<booradley> <audigy> LET JESUS FUCK YOU! VRAAAGH!
* audience gasps.
<booradley> * audigy is putting noise across your PCI channels
<booradley> <hard drive> Mein leben!
<booradley> * hard drive has died
<booradley> <audigy> Blaaah! blaaaugh! your mother sucks cocks
in hell! graaagh!
<booradley> <modem> aaieee
<booradley> *modem has died
<booradley> and the new modem I got connects at 32k tops
<Shendal> By far, that's the best one-act IRC play I've read
this season.  Do I smell a Tony award?

<EyesofPrisms> and ou are an uytter newb
<KC48348751> dude
<KC48348751> how did that y move over like 12 characters

<Dark_Fox> Kami: if you changed your name to Kame, you would
have a much more interesting name :)
<Kami> Dark_Fox: And if you changed yours to Dark_Fax, you'd
have a more communicative name. :)
* Dark_Fox is now known as Dark_Fax
<Kami> It'd be... 'telecommunicative.'
* Dark_Fax makes noises and bitches because he's out of paper
ant toner *
<Kami> Oh god, that happened at work today.
<Dark_Fax> FEED MEE!!!
<SailorV> Nuuuuuuuu
* Dark_Fax displays wrong time *
* Dark_Fax rings for no reason *
* Kami is now known as VCR-clock
* Dark_Fax gets a paper jam *
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
<Dark_Fax> PAPPPERRRRR
* VCR-clock blinks
<Dark_Fax> TOOOOOONEEERRRR
* VCR-clock blinks
<VCR-clock> :)
* Dark_Fax breaks a bearing and bounces around on the counter
*
<Dark_Fax> FEEEED ERROORRR!!!! NEED PAPER!!
* Dark_Fax rings again for no reason *
* VCR-clock blinks some more
* SailorV runs and hides becuz there are weirdo's in here
* Dark_Fax chases SailorV *  MY PAPER!!! MY PREEESCIOUUUS!!
* VCR-clock blinks
* VCR-clock blinks
<SailorV> EEEE!
* SailorV unplugs the VCR
* VCR-clock has quit IRC
* Dark_Fax is now known as Dark_Fox
<Dark_Fox> ok i think ive peaked the humor of that

Mjordan2nd: If you could be any fictional character, who would
you be?
Chris: Spider Man
Tim: batman
Sidd: batman
Mjordan2nd: I'd be god

<Paradox> So, guys, I have some news.
<Paradox> I know I usually don't talk much about stuff unless
it's solid, but this is interesting, and I think you should
know.
<Paradox> I just got an E-mail about an interesting
proposition.
* volsung_ perks up.
<Paradox> Apparently, there are lesbians that want my 'hard
cock.'
* volsung_ flips Paradox the bird.
<volsung_> :)
<Paradox> They want it 'now,' apparently, so the timetable is
somewhat limited.
<volsung_> Are you going to just take their offer as
presented, or is there an opportunity for negotiation?
<Paradox> I'm not sure.
<volsung_> I'm sure your hard cock is in great demand.  An
exclusive deal might not be in your best interest.
<Paradox> Last time I got an offer like this, there were some
catches.

*** Zeron is now known as you
* you farted.
* you sigh in frustration.
* you lose
* you suck at life
*** Wildfyre is now known as our
* Goblin_Leecher thinks you need a life
* our conversation is entirely too weird
*** Goblin_Leecher is now known as we
* we are going stir crazy
* you are going a little too far
* our laughter fills the offices nearby.
* you are fired.
* we need new jobs
* you agree
* you wonder when this madness will end
* we are not sane
* you are correct
* our sanity has left?
<Talathar> you know...if a sane person were to walk in
here...they'd be very very confused right about now...
* you are one with the matrix.

<FM{FF1}> Rizen: I thought you didn't bang chicks, only me.
<FM{FF1}> ...men.
<FM{FF1}> GOD THAT WAS A BAD TYPO.

<Fooz> In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to
jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their
penisses, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.

<@Logan> I spent a minute looking at my own code by accident.
<@Logan> I was thinking "What the hell is this guy doing?"

<Casey8> Diana Ross' husband died
<Tarrier> how
<Casey8> fell while climbing in South Africa or something
<JennAway> that's sad
<Bubbaprog> i guess there is a mountain high enough

[ron`] Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll fuck you with a
rake

<malaclypse> The general rule on about people on IRC seems to
be "Attractive, single, mentally stable: choose two"

<Kyuss> how big should disk 1 of neverwinter be?
<JtHM> |<----------------------------->|
<JtHM> (not to scale)

(JHawk111420) Hey whats up, a/s/l?
(Lady Renegade) more than you want, I'm sure :)
(JHawk111420) ill take that as a challenge ;-)
(Lady Renegade) take it any way you want sweetie
(JHawk111420) k, how old are ya?
(Lady Renegade) probably too old for you, but let's pretend
I'm 20 ;)
(JHawk111420) k, what do ya look like?
(Lady Renegade) before or after I'm dressed up?
(JHawk111420) both :-D
(Lady Renegade) well......after I'm dressed up, I have long
sexy red hair, nails painted red to match the slinky dress I
have on, stiletto heels, pouty lips, green eyes, boobs out to
here, and a smile that stops
traffic
(JHawk111420) and before your dressed up?
(Lady Renegade) before I'm dressed up, I'm bald and wearing
boxers...sometimes my weenie is peeking out
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello ....