<Kuiper> Well, it rained today, but as a whole it's been
warmer than it was last week.
<kikuichimonji> Why does it seem like every time you join this
channel, you end up talking about the weather?
<kikuichimonji> Is your life so unimaginably dull that you
can't think of any events in your life to describe that might
be more interesting than the weather?
<kikuichimonji> Let's think of something for you to talk about
other than the weather.
<kikuichimonji> I mean, we barely even know anything about
you, other than where you live.
<kikuichimonji> Let's start there.  What do you do for a
living?
<Kuiper> I'm a meteorologist.

<Canopus>  ...I need to learn how to cook ribs.
<Kreldin>  The easiest way is to wrap them in tin foil, with a
reservoir of spices and sauce and boil water beneath it to
steam them. And then just cover it in dough to fry it.
<Kreldin>  Actually, I'm just making shit up off the top of my
head. But that sounds like it would be awesome.

<implexor> some of my friends were smoking pot in a car. After
some laughing they started to cruise around town. Drove for a
while and while going round a roundabout one of them noticed
that it would be funny to drive on it backwards. It was funny
until the inevitable happened and they've hit another car.
<dsarr> lol
<implexor> w8 there's more. They went silent and just sit
frightened in the car. Police came very quickly and started to
talk to the driver in the car behind them. Then the policeman
came to their drivers door, my friend opens the window, and
the policeman goes "don't worry guys, the bloke in the other
car is so drunk, that he's telling stories you were driving
backwards".

<Contrition> made me think of an abortion party
<[Special^K]> there's parties for that?!?!
<Contrition> yeah. kind of like a baby shower, but the mother
can drink.

<Cliff> man, the way I wanna die is as an old man getting a
heart attack from the excitement of having two 18-year olds
riding me
<Zael> wtf man, might as well go with 14 year olds. you're
gunna die anyway!

<svarog>You know, the only good thing about Vista
<svarog>Is that even the viruses have compatibility issues.

<Al-x> is cosmo magazine lying when it says all men crave a
finger in their ass during sex
<Hast> cosmo is all lies
<TheShaun> it's designed to be sold to women who have no real
interests in life but sex
<TheShaun> it's like the feminist movement dropped down onto
its knees and started sucking adam smith's capitalist cock.

<Somebody241> i was playing XBL yesterday
<Somebody241> and i was playing wit my friend
<Somebody241> and im sure hes maried and everything
<Somebody241> And all of a sudden
<Somebody241> His wife comes on the mic and says
<Somebody241> "Can my husband quit the game so we can have
sex?"
<Somebody241> and then some lil 9 year old in my team says
"Sure just leave the mic on"

Crevan Hill says: I used the phrase "tight as a twelve year
old" today...
Crevan Hill says: In the middle of class, when talking about
how tight you should roll newspapers around dowels
Crevan Hill says: .....the teacher said ladies were present,
and I apologized, with the qualifier that "I didn't
necessarily mean girls..."

<Yalborap> You'll get so infuriated you'll throw your DS/
Wiimote against the wall until it shatters.
<Yalborap> The wall, not the nintendo product.
<Yalborap> Those things are made of adamantium or some crap.

xenotwuz: I thought maybe I'd go up and tell her that she's
got awesomely hot looking hair.
xenotwuz: But that would just sound creepy.
Neo Maxi Zoomy: Just walk up and Say Hello or something
Neo Maxi Zoomy: I don't know, Google that shit man!

taebaeg: god i swear you guys make 4chan look like fine
literature sometimes
lemonlimeskull: ...
lemonlimeskull: "Ask not for whom the Rick roll'd. It roll'd
for thee."

<rawrkitty> so today i did something awesome
<rawrkitty> i set a bag of shit on fire
<rawrkitty> and it smelled like shit
<Tabi-chan> How'd the person react?
<rawrkitty> huh
<Tabi-chan> The person who's porch you left it on
<rawrkitty> why the fuck would i do that? thats stupid

Shinryuu: I think I just heard the worst local news pun ever.
Shinryuu: "No, it's not a cartoon, It's Felix the Cat 5
Hurricane."

(idestroy) sigh
(idestroy) ok so
(idestroy) my friend got a handle of smirnoff vodka
(idestroy) we killed it together in like an hour
(idestroy) I went to bed
(idestroy) in boxers
(idestroy) apparently
(idestroy) I woke up and had to poo
(idestroy) instead of going to my bathroom
(idestroy) I went out into the hallway
(idestroy) into the stairwell
(idestroy) removed my boxers and placed them on the stairs
(idestroy) then took a massive liquidy shit at the top of the
steps
(idestroy) walked THROUGH it
(idestroy) leaving poopy footprints
(idestroy) left my boxers there
(idestroy) went DOWN TO THE 2nd FLOOR
(idestroy) from the third
(idestroy) banged on random people's doors
(idestroy) people came out and saw me walking down the hall
naked with shit on my ass
(idestroy) I made it to the stairs again
(idestroy) went back to my floor but down a few doors to my
friends
(idestroy) there was like 15 people in their room
(idestroy) it was packed
(idestroy) I was naked
(idestroy) I went into their bathroom
(idestroy) and everyone was like what the fuck
(idestroy) went into the toilet stall, tried to clean my ass
(idestroy) FELL OVER AND SMEARED SHIT ON THEIR WALL
(idestroy) meanwhile someone went back to my room and got my
clothes
(idestroy) and someone else found the poo
(idestroy) they brought my clothes over
(idestroy) I tried to put my shirt on my legs
(idestroy) and said THESE ARENT MY PANTS
(idestroy) so I got help with that
(idestroy) got walked back to my room
(idestroy) and went back to sleep
(idestroy) woke up the next day
(idestroy) thought it was a dream
(idestroy) called my friend paul
(idestroy) he told me all about it
(idestroy) :(
(ZS) note to self: never let idestroy have alcohol
(idestroy) there's a facebook group "who pooped on the stairs"

<baubles> found a site on making your own saline solution..
there are lots of typos and random letters. the guy
apologizes, said he went blind

<kerushixx> dude, i just saw a moth fart!
<tulam> 0_o
<tulam> how do you know it farted?
<kerushixx> it flew in a straight line

<DonMuttoni_> what do you do when you've fallen in love with
your best friends ex after shooting her down, sending him to
the hospital with a drug overdose, and then running over her
deaf cat.... all two weeks before you leave the continent....?
<KingOfAll> Leave a fortnight early.

<balls>  OMFG
<balls>  telemarketer calls today, offering me a piece of crap
credit card.  i said hold on, i'll get my mom
<balls>  i wait about 20 seconds then play never gonna give
you up.
<balls>  they hung up after about a minute of screaming
"hello?  hello?  hello?"
<balls>  i rickroll'd a fucking telemarketer

taebaeg: Owen Wilson tried to commit suicide?
TheZedWord: apparently
lemonlimeskull: Someone let him watch one of his own films.

<CuttingEdge> Current Global Users: 300
<CuttingEdge> not doing too badly today
<LordCow> sweet, 300
<LordCow> now we can attack the persians

<@Phil> Hey, not saying your vagina isn't mighty. I mean,
people LOVE the grand canyon...
<@Squash> Well guys like it when they can go in deep.
<@Phil> Yeah, but not when they'll fall in and die.

<@je_fro> fox news isn't really news
<@je_fro> it's actually one of the largest trolling
experiments ever conducted

<+Scott> I had my dreams crushed yesterday. It turns out the
newspaper headline "Village still looking for paedophile"
wasn't a vacancy.

<balls>  that was the funniest thing that's ever happened to
me
<balls>  im getting ready to build a computer, and my dad
comes into my room.  he starts talking like hes giving me the
talk about abstinence and shit.  he says stuff like "son, we
want you to be safe, you know that" and just when it seems
like he's gonna give me a condom, he holds out his hand, and
he gives me a fucking static wrist strap.
<balls>  i never laughed so hard in my dad's face.

Slimtoad20: US Airways flight 404 is flying through the
Bermuda Triangle today.
Slimtoad20: Yeah, that one doesn't stand a chance.

<ed> I get a tad weirded out when he prays on his prayer rag
in the cubicle
<ed> He says he's facing Mecca. My GPS says he's facing
Detroit.
<ed> He's going to end up in Heaven with 77 Pintos and a Ford
Maverick.

«Sretsnom» im 100% male
«Kefka» I'm 92% male
«Sretsnom» >__>
«Sretsnom» whats the 8%
«Kefka» That's after I've had a few

<pritch> jeez
<pritch> sauron couldve got the one ring on ebay for £4.99
<pritch> oh wait
<pritch> excludes delivery to mordor
<fragglet> one does not simply deliver to mordor

<ZellKFF> We were talking about religion today
<ZellKFF> and my 6 years old kid asked me "religion? is that a
legendary pokemon?"

<MftS> Who the fuck is the one naming hurricanes?
<MftS> They somehow manage to give them the least threatening
names ever.
<MftS> If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane Erin
was coming I'd think to myself, "Erin? I could take that
slut."
<MftS> If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane
Dicksmasher was approaching, I'd grab all the money in the
house, shove it in my pockets, and get the fuck out of there.

<+slaitch> right then
<+slaitch> i need to be on my way
<+slaitch> you all will hear from me...... I dunno when
<+slaitch> not more than 10 days, though
* +slaitch goes to oregon
* +slaitch (~slaitch@c-75-65-59-82.hsd1.la.comcast.net) Quit
(Quit: )
* @Esoteric immediately starts thinking 'slaitch has died of
dysentery.'

<imthatguy>  One night home from the bars, which aside from
the occasional pizza place the only other thing open was this
porno store.  I'm not sure why - I think one of my friends
wanted to buy a magazine - but we went in, and annoyed the
shop's patrons by picking up every ridiculous sex toy and
laughing about it loudly. The most absurd thing we found was a
large plastic beer can - meant to look like "Coors Light," or
something, but much larger - and when you unscrewed the cap at
the top, there was a latex vagina inside, that you were meant
to stick your dick in and fuck the can. Well, not really
"fuck" the can, exactly, but masturbate with it.
<imthatguy>  So of course we have to buy the beer can vagina,
because we're drunk and it's funny, and we figure we'll find
some entertaining unintended use for it. So we paid for it and
continued on our merry way back to the hotel. Once there we
said our goodbyes and retired to our rooms, and I realized
that somehow I'd gotten stuck carrying the bag from the sex
store. I set it down on the desk and didn't think much about
it. That is, for a few minutes, until I found myself sitting
on the bed in my hotel room, drunk and lonely and sexually
frustrated, and I kept staring over at that stupid beer can
vagina.
<imthatguy> "Maybe I should just try it. Just see what it
feels like..." I mean, why not, right? You know. Just for
kicks, right? So you know what? I fucked it. Yeah. I fucked a
plastic beer can. I fucked the shit out of that can. And you
know what? It felt alright. It did the trick. That is, until
it was all over. Until the moment after, when I was hit by a
sobering freight train of humility, looking down at my dick
stuck inside a latex vagina housed in a plastic beer can.
Moments like that you start to question everything - "How the
hell did it come to this? Who am I? What am I doing with my
life?" I probably sat there for an hour, silently with my
plastic lover, pondering my existence.
<imthatguy> The next morning, when the subject of the previous
night came up and someone said, "oh, where's that funny beer
can thing we got? Rob, you had it, right?" And everyone looks
at me, and I just stare at them for a moment, and then say,
"...I fucked it. I fucked it and I hated myself, and now it's
gone." There was a slight pause, followed by uproarious
laughter. The ridicule took months to subside.

<Aoi-chan> everyone's first vi session. ^C^C^X^X^X^XquitqQ!
qdammit[esc]qwertyuiopasdfghjkl;:xwhat

<karlmex> So a friend of mine got back from Amsterdam a few
months back, after spending a stint there with a bunch of his
mates.  Told me quite possibly one of the funniest stories I 
ve heard. They had picked up some shrooms and acid, and
decided to take it in the wee hours of the morning, and spend
the day exploring the city while they tripped sure enough
20min into it, one of the group vanishes. So, after 7 or so
hours of struggling to search for their lost friend, they
decide it d be best to head back to their hotel, sober up,
regroup, and go looking when the gears worn off and they d be
of more use.
<tubs> lol k
<karlmex> Anyway, upon arrival at the hotel, surprise suprise
they find their friend standing in the lobby, dazed and
staring at the ceiling muttering to himself.  Understandably
they were all pissed off with him for making them worry and
bringing their trip down as a result of their half assed
search. However all the friend can reply with is  this fucking
town is full of gremlins!   They tried to calm him down and
tell him that it was the acid making him hallucinate, to which
he replied  I knew you d say that so I captured one and locked
it in the bathroom  
<tubs> lol?
<karlmex> as you d expect they thought he was losing the plot,
but he insisted they come to his room and look for themselves.
So, they head to the room, and sure enough, the bathroom door
is baracaded shut with chairs, lamps, mattress and the bed 
they're getting a little worried now, so they cautiously move
the furniture away and inch the door open 
<tubs> and??
<karlmex> ...Laying on the floor is a 10 year old kid with
Down syndrome grinning ear to ear.
<tubs> lol dude that's fucked up
<karlmex> The mate had come across one of those outing groups
or retarded kids - freaked out, balled up one of those poor
little bastards carried him back to the room and locked him in
the bathroom for proof 
<tubs> lol god man
<karlmex> anyway, luckily the kid had one of those ID cards
saying  hi my name is Ted, I live at blah blah  lol so yea,
took the poor kid to the lobby, called the cops and did a
runner before they arrived lol.

<Shovel> I ran across the worst named person in the world
today...
<Shovel> I'm sitting in the waiting room at my doctor's
office, waiting for a physical before I go off to college in a
few weeks.
<Shovel> I'm a little early and there are other people in the
waiting room so when the nurse comes out to call the next
person I'm pretty sure it's not me.
<Shovel> She walks out of the hallway, looks down at her
clipboard and immediately turns around and goes back behind
the door.
<Shovel> She's obviously talking to some of the other nurses.
<Shovel> When she comes back about 30 seconds later, she looks
at the clipboard, takes a deep breath and says: "Shithead
O'Neal, the doctor's able to see you now."
<Shovel> A large black woman stands up quickly and yells in a
surprsingly stereotypical black women voice "IT'S PRONOUNCED
SHAW-THEED!"
<Shovel> She storms off after the nurse, who is apologizing
very loudly and everyone in the waiting room just looks at
each other and exchange a few laughs and snickers.

<JohnDough> man being an athiest is so awesome, as long as you
don't tell anybody
<JohnDough> i testified against my stepmom (whom i hate) in a
trial today
<Forlorn> what did she do?
<JohnDough> nothing
<JohnDough> but the jury sure as hell thinks she did

xtreme rocketeer: oh man, what if gangs invented a machine to
drive-by for them
xtreme rocketeer: called the handi-cap

<Claws> Disabled people are the greatest.
<Claws> I have a friend who is in a wheel chair and he has the
most awesome sense of humour ever.
<Claws> The other day two of my other friends were having an
argument about something trivial, one of them turned to him
and said "You'll stand up for me won't you"
<Claws> He just looked him straight in the eye and with the
straightest face you'll ever see, said "Only if your name's
Jesus"

<SaxxonPike> mmm, steak
<SLASHSPIT> you guys don't respect the environment, do you?
<SaxxonPike> I respect a good dinner
<SLASHSPIT> how can you eat that? cows are like one of the
largest contributors of methane gas
<SLASHSPIT> which contributes to global warming and stuff
<SLASHSPIT> so what are you all doing for the environment?
<SaxxonPike> I eat the fucking cows

<+Inca> Lydia: Why did George Bush cross the road?
<+Inca> Lydia: Because his penis was stuck in the chicken!
<+Inca> I have strange friends
<+spock1104> he fucked the chicken and didn't have an exit
strategy >_>

<SinTax> I did something today that nobody will be able to do
ever again so long as the earth rotates.
<SinTax> I work at a hardware store. The truck had just come
in, and we're unloading the junk from it. It's a lot of work.
I was called over to help, so I drank all of my supersweet,
very hot coffee in like two gulps.
<SinTax> About an hour later, after we're all done, I began to
feel really sick from all the coffee, like I was going to
throw up at any time. I just sort of stick it out though,
because I don't want to look weak to the other hardware guys.
They've got me outmuscled by like twenty pounds apiece.
<mInmAx> mmhm
<SinTax> I'm cleaning in the aisles, and some old woman walks
up to me with her eight year old girl, asking me where the
lightbulbs are.
<SinTax> The little girl is screaming for something on the
little toy display while I'm trying to tell this old woman
(Who did not seem to understand that we don't sell
lightbulbs.)
<gorg> lol old people
<SinTax> and this girl is making a ruckus, running everywhere.
I'm on my third explanation for our lack of lightbulbs, trying
to keep the coffee in, when this girl slams the hell into me
while she's running around.
<SinTax> I couldn't hold it in any longer, and I pretty much
covered this screaming child in piping hot coffee and a sludgy
mass of granola while her grandmother went off in the
direction of our stockrooms to look for lightbulbs.
<SinTax> It was definitely worth the twenty something job
applications I now have to write up all over again.

<Snausages> So, an E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walk into a
bar.
<Snausages> And the bartender says,
<Snausages> "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."
<Myke> That struck a chord.
<Snausages> Careful with those puns, you'll get in treble.
<Myke> But they're key to my humour.
<Myke> And very noteworthy.

(oxie) i want a dog
(+AlsoMike) why do you want a dog?
(oxie) dogs are cool
(+AlsoMike) but do you want a hairy, sometimes smelly friend
who bums all his food and accomodation off you and defecates
on your bedroom floor?
(oxie) yes ;)
(+AlsoMike) i'll move in tomorrow.

< evoxy> can anyone recommend a good php tutorial?
< Dynom> evoxy: goodphptutorials.com
< evoxy> lol i thought it was a bogus url
< Dynom> it works?
< Dynom> :-| wtf

RadioMatthew:  LimeWire is like committing a solo crime.
RadioMatthew:  Torrenting is like being a part of the mafia.

crwuidth: It's going to be hilarious if i ever live long
enough to have grandchildren.
crwuidth: "Wait, Gramps, so you guys used to drink ethyl
alcohol? Isn't that what's in jet fuel?" "Yep. Great stuff,
that. Shame they banned it when the synthetic stuff got made."
"Wasn't it bad for you, drinking jet fuel?" "Made you feel
like hell the next morning if you got hold of too much, that's
for sure."
crwuidth: they may be psychics and cyborgs and shit, but we
are going to be hardcore in ways our grandkids could never
dream of being.

<biot> somedays I want telekenesis
<demoncow> you're already telepathetic

<third_planet> The other night my friend had some pot and
wanted me to smoke it with him, but we had nowhere to smoke it
because both our parents were home.
<third-planet> So we drove around looking for a place to park
so we could smoke in the car.
<third-planet> We eventually settled on a Wendys parking lot..
<Mr-Butlertron> The logic is all there...
<third-planet> I know, it was a ridiculous idea. We were just
desperate and that was the first place to pull off..
<third-planet> So we park in the back of the parking lot under
this tree, and it's dark out, so we figure we're secluded
enough. We start to light up and a cop pulls in. So we both
sit really still and hope the cop will think the car is empty
and just parked there. Or that he won't notice.
<third-planet> The cop circles the parking lot once, then
parks behind us and we're both freaking out. So Bobby, my
friend, takes all the pot and shoves it in the glove
compartment. But the car smells like pot, so we figure we're
busted.
<third-planet> So Bobby says we've gotta distract the cop from
the pot. In a huge flash, he rips his shirt off, undoes my
pants and sticks his hand inside. Before I can process what's
happening, the cop knocks on my window. Then he looks in and
sees Bobby shirtless, with his hand down my pants and turns
bright red.
<third-planet> I roll my window down and the cop says in this
really flustered voice, his face bright red, "you guys be good
now" and walks quickly back to his car and drives off.
<third-planet> He didn't even notice the smell of pot.
<third-planet> We drove home in the most uncomfortable fucking
silence ever.

<@plik> when life hands you lemons...
<redmatch> bring out the bacardi cola ?