<Cyan> Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but
I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I
heard the faggot.
<Cyan> Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he
was like halfway through I beat the fucking shit out of him.
<Cyan> So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops.
Once they get here, they search him and look at what he
fucking had:
<Cyan> 8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries),
Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to
"Monopoly."
<dan> Dude, you fucking killed McGuyver!

<tgr> i told my girlfriend that she's "math girl, doer of
math: unable to integrate with society, only with functions of
x"
<tgr> and guys, this is why she's my girlfriend. she said:
<tgr> "i could do a u substitution..."

<@J^raxis> Some people have some weird fetishes. Which is
fine. Then they take photos of them, which is not.

<kumaro> i got home for a terrible day at work so i decided to
take a quick shower.
<kumaro> so i got in, took my clothes off and turned the
shower on
<kumaro> like usual, i danced around and made a mohawk with my
hair
<kumaro> it was going great until i let out a big rip
<kumaro> man, it was horrible
<kumaro> im not even kidding
<kumaro> i coulndt take the smell so i was held my breath
<kumaro> after maybe 40 secs, i gasped for air not realizing
the shower was still on
<kumaro> so i inhaled a lot of water right
<kumaro> i was coughing like crazy then BAM!
<kumaro> i slipped on the shampoo bottle and hit my head on
the side of the bathtub and i was knocked out cold
<kumaro> to make a long story short, i woke up 40 mins later
naked with my mom slapping me in the face telling me to wake
up.
<dvo> wow, that sounds really kinky
<kumaro> talk about a horrible day

(Andrzej) I had a waking dream about a tsunami once
(Andrzej) except the tsunami was made out of clowns.
(Andrzej) and I was 5
(Andrzej) I didn't sleep that night

<ndruo> i'm usig my onscreen keyboard
<ndruo> i's very triksies
<ndruo> he ltters re vry mall
<NeroMan> Translation: The letters are very small.
<ndruo> this will enhance my FPS skills
<SuperJoe> What's the translation for that?
<NeroMan> Translation: This will enhance my sexual ability.
<ndruo> i hte you.
<ndruo> GOD
<NeroMan> Translation: I love you, GENERAL ZOD
<ndruo> iffclt is this
<ndruo> :(
<NeroMan> Translation: This is difficult to the point I am
saddened
<SuperJoe> General Zod is pretty cool, I'll admit.
<ndruo> 8=======D translte this
<NeroMan> Translation: "My penis is small enough that I can
make a life size depiction of it using IRC text."

<+JimBastard> you wouldnt believe what just happened
<+JimBastard> i've been tracking my macbook all day on fedex,
gets signed for by "One CHILETA" at 3pm...while im at work
<+JimBastard> turns it was misdelivered....TO THE MARCY
PROJECTS IN BROOKLYN
<+JimBastard> A BRAND NEW LAPTOP
<+JimBastard> so what did jim bastard do?
<+JimBastard> I put on a button up shirt, black leather
jacket, kakhis, and a dress shoes
<+JimBastard> went to the address
<+JimBastard> and pretended i was a detective
<+JimBastard> laptop is sitting on their desk
<+JimBastard> "Maam I'm here about a misdelievered package"
<+JimBastard> "We know its here"
<+JimBastard> "We just want it back, or else I'm going to have
to come back with a warrant"
<+JimBastard> "and no one wants that"
<+JimBastard> never underestimate the power of a well dressed
well spoken white man in the hood
<+JimBastard> the guy took one look at me as he was walking
towards the door....turned around and came back with the
package

<Archie> thanks to opera for the wii, i can now watch youtube
on my tv
<Archie> we have gone full circle

<Blee> i went downtown for halloween and we saw a midget
<Blee> and this guy was like "THAT COSTUME IS AWESOME"
<Blee> oh it was horrible but everyone laughed

<Dark_Fox> Wheee.. Hooray for USB2.0's slow ass read/write
bandwidth
<Dark_Fox> I get to watch my mod compile at the blazing speed
of a snail
<Zail_Dark> snails are interesting
<Dark_Fox> I don't think they make for good eats, though
<Zail_Dark> what if it were a giant snail that was eating you?
<Dark_Fox> then i would be in soviet russia

swansonmarpalum: I dunno
swansonmarpalum: I do not think I would hang around someone
who could not get hard and fuck me
Sigma X: Wait
swansonmarpalum: I mean if I was a chick.

<BluECliQ> My uncle from South Carolina is visiting for the
week.
<BluECliQ> I haven't seen this guy in 10 years and we have
nothing in common, but I have to make small talk for another 5
hours until my mom gets home.
<champlor> what kinda stuff is he into?
<BluECliQ> He hunts, fishes, drinks and works for a cable
company.
<champlor> your uncle is larry the cable guy?
<BluECliQ> If he says 'git er done', I'm leaving my house.

<Runter> If I ever become ruler of the world
<Runter> I'm going to hold huge "Where's Waldo" contests
<Runter> Dress one guy up as waldo and put him in a crowd of
like 1000 people
<Runter> and get people from helicopters to try to find him
<Runter> to win they have to shoot him
<Jay> Why would you have to shoot him?
<Runter> Because I've always wanted to fucking kill waldo. I
mean seriously who doesn't fucking hate him?
<Jay> I don't
<Runter> Well then, do you like dress-up?

<XaSer> what's the word for NOT independent? unindependent?
<travly> yeah
<XaSer> thanks!
<travly> no problem, really =)

Garby: I just have to find a crafty way to avoid them on
Monday.
Pollerskates: Wear a Madeleine McCann Halloween costume.
Pollerskates: They'll never be able to find you.

<matt> Can anyone help me solve a two body problem?
<dsk> Id sink them in the ocean or feed them to pigs
<dsk> but if you do the pigs make sure to remove hair and
teeth first
<matt> Umm i meant in physics...

<Flaim> ok, why the fuck is the disk in a VIRTUAL MACHINE not
spinning up?

<phil> ok ok ops quiz
<phil> what's the command to leave an irc channel?
* Garron has quit IRC (Quit: )

<MarkGobbin> ok think of some answerable but subjective
question
<Sergio> why?
<MarkGobbin> wow... i'm erecting a statue in your honour for
that

Travis: you know i'm part native american right?
Scott: which part?
Travis: small part
Scott: your penis is native american?

<steeg> "when there is grass on the field, play ball" my coach
used to say
<steeg> he is in jail now, guess what for :)

<-Roach-> Ah you see I wouldn't always trust Wikipedia as it
is edited by people.
<Bewildebeast> I hear Brittanica is edited by manatees.

<Rachessa> By viewing porn, you're giving pages hits which
lets them pay the models a little more.   Those girls might
not have much and you're helping them support themselves when
they might not have anyone to turn to, allowing them to get
by.
<Rachessa> In a sense, every time you whack off, you're
actually saving lives.

<GLE> Gah. I'm so bad at ring theory, and I have a midterm in
it Friday.
<GLE> It makes me want to fight people.
<yakusoku> Does Field theory make you want to grow corn?

<CapnDan> Oh god DAMN it.  I listed twenty cardboard boxes on
freecycle on Saturday morning. 15 minutes later a guy had come
to get them. Two minutes after that I posted that they were
gone.
<CapnDan> I've gotten THREE DOZEN requests -- a dozen of them
so far this morning -- for the god damned boxes.
<CapnDan> I felt sorry for the guy - he needed the cardboard
boxes to move his wife out.
<ooPo> put her on freecycle

<vee> I went to buy the 7th harry potter at midnight
<vee> I was the first in line
<vee> the first thing I did when I got it was i opened it to
the last page
<vee> Then I screamed out SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!
<vee> Everyone freaked out
<eric> That's mean!
<vee> It took them a few minutes to figure out I said the
ending of the 6th book

<negev> Have a good time on Friday?
<Sefrian> got proper fucked up
<Sefrian> started seeing binary on the fuckin walls
<negev> lawl
<Sefrian> you know you're a geek when you hallucinate binary

<spinks> I'm pretty sure dad is reconsidering sending me to
drama classes
<maguiness> ?
<maguiness> explain
<spinks> well tonight i was home alone for most of the night.
Mum was with my little brothers in singleton, out to dinner
for my uncle's birthday
<spinks> my older brother is in gloucester for the next few
days
<spinks> and dad was at karate till about 8 and thus i had to
cook tea
<spinks> of course i get a brilliant theatrical idea in my
head just to make things a little awkward when dad comes home
<spinks> i cook some pretty basic fuckign stuff, 2 pies and
some 2 minute noodles
<spinks> but i garnish the fuck out of them with salads and
shit, and put them on the good china, got the good cutlery
out, wine glasses filled with red wine, the dinenr candles,
the nice place mats, all of it
<spinks> a nice romantic dinner
<spinks> dad got home and i lit the candles, got dressed in my
suit and tie, nice saphire-blue micro-fibre shirt, placed the
plates opposite one another and turned all the lights off
<spinks> I sat there waiting, folded my hands nicely and dad
walked through the door, blinked coz of the low light and just
stared at me
<spinks> then he just slowly walked to his room, where i'd
laid a trail of fake rose petals down the hallway to his room
<spinks> GOD i will never forget the look on his face

<JayNiN> So yeah, guys, my dad and I had a big arguement last
night...It's actually pretty fucking awkward.
<SimCard> Yeah? Tell us about.
<JayNiN> Heh, you guys aren't going to believe this...but
anyways.
<JayNiN> So last night, my sister was trying to get her AOL
connection shut off (yes, I know...who the fuck still uses
AOL?)
<JayNiN> and I decide to go to the regional chatrooms
<JayNiN> 10 minutes in the chatroom, some random guy IMs me
and is like "ASL"
<JayNiN> so I fuck around with the guy saying "19/F/WY"
<JayNiN> The guy starts tripping out and is like "omg, I'm
from Wyoming!"
<JayNiN> and so I'm like "Oh, really? What part?"
<JayNiN> the guy goes "Cheyenne"...I shit myself. I'm from
Cheyenne!
<JayNiN> Out of nowhere, the guy asks for my phone number...so
I was feeling a bit mischievious and I wanted to have my
sister talk to him and then we would just prank the guy.
<JayNiN> Well, I give the guy my number and out of nowhere he
goes..."JAKE!? What the fuck!?"
<JayNiN> I trip out and I'm like "Who the hell are you? And
how do you know my name/number!?"
<JayNiN> and he goes "GET THE FUCK HOME RIGHT NOW!"
<JayNiN> It was my dad...

<Trinexx> So, we were all sitting around, trying to decide who
would cook tonight.
<Trinexx> Someone got the wonderful idea of making ME cook,
despite the fact that I once caught ramen noodles on fire. I,
of course, told them it was a bad idea. They didn't believe
me. Gave me a recipe and very precise directions. I finally
agreed to do it, but only if they understood that they eat at
their own risk.
<Trinexx> So yeah, we've all got food poisoning now.

<macks> YEAH DUDE I'M SO GANGSTA I HOLD MY LAPTOP SIDEWAYS
WHEN I POST FLAMES

<+HoCkster> I got an official warning from my bank
<+HoCkster> I usually pay my rent as "Columbian Drug Money",
they never objected
<+HoCkster> but then I forgot my mates cell phone number,
<+HoCkster> we were both doing internet banking at the same
time right
<@Lilzvixen> welcome to my room
<+HoCkster> so I give him a 1 cent payment going "What's your
number"
<+HoCkster> and we start having this whole conversation
<+HoCkster> it was like webchat
<+HoCkster> so like 87 payments later, the bank rings me up
and were like
<+HoCkster> "have you thought of getting MSN?"

<Zabbage> I used to do drugs in the 70's.
<Zabbage> Now I don't care what the temperature is

<Snakeman^Engineer> Do I sense some hatred towards Windows
Vista originating from your direction?
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Oh no, not at all
* Chrysalid^Revenge stands up in a medieval recitation pose
<Chrysalid^Revenge> "OS X for the Mac users, pretentious in
their coffeeshops
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Gentoo for the nerd-lords in their
mother's basement
<Chrysalid^Revenge> XP for the everyday user, bound to muck
around with bloody settings and registry values they should
damn well leave alone
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Then Vista from the Dark Lord behind his
desk
<Chrysalid^Revenge> In the Microsoft office, where crappy
programming is performed
<Chrysalid^Revenge> One OS to eat your RAM, One OS to spy on
your digital media
<Chrysalid^Revenge> One OS to screw them all, and in
frustration bind them
<Chrysalid^Revenge> In the Microsoft office, where crappy
programming is performed"
<Sectoid^Authopsy> Whoa!

<pH7> So during the biggest test of the term I look down and
realise my fucking penis not working! I MEAN IT'S COMPLETELY
DEAD!
<pH7> *pen is omfg
<Harreh> haha rofl
<pH7> Excuse me while I rip out my space bar for failing me
like that :(

<M1k3> hey, the girlscouts would need some parent to look
after them, are you in?
<Bo13> wait 1 quick question, does this increase my chanses to
get laid??
<M1k3> but they are like 12 years old!!!
<Bo13> so that's yes?

<Sheppard`> Anyone know a good socks wrapper class?
<capisce> shoes

<lordpie> Life sucks so much right now. It seems I'm spending
all of it doing math.
<Rosti_LFC> You are "Math Boy"
<Rosti_LFC> Doer of math
<Rosti_LFC> Unable to integrate with society. Only with
functions of x

<ttos> microsoft has this automatic phishing filter built into
internet explorer 7. i think they should expand on this idea
and have a rick roll detector

<g1powermac> unbelievable
<g1powermac> we caught someone dumping trash in our dumpster
<g1powermac> wouldn't be a problem if trash pickup was free
<g1powermac> we couldn't stop the person in time, so we took
the trash out, went through it, found an address in the mail
in it, and dumped the trash back at their house

Johnny: I just donated 2 pints of red cells. They let you do
that much now because they can compensate for the loss of
fluid with a combination of saline and by replacing the plasma
that was removed.
Pablo: Talk about being a quart low.
Johnny: No, two pints.
Pablo: Either they took more than that and you've suffered
brain damage or you were an idiot to begin with.
Johnny: What?
Pablo: Exactly.

<royan> Soemone bluetooth'd me a picture titles Jesus.jpg the
other day. When I tried to exit the message reader, it said:
Jesus not saved. Save now?
<royan> I have God's cellphone.

strummer126: Fucking asshole said this was going to be a video
of an elephant sticking it's trunk up a rhino's asshole.
Fucking Rickrolled again today. fuck this shit.

<Richad34> Oy I had a bad night
<Richad34> I couldn't sleep, and had no idea what to do. My
parents are still awake, it was midnight, and I was bored.
<Richad34> So then I remembered that I had a drama
presentation the next class and I played a rich guy so I
needed a suit.
<Richad34> I take out my suit, and get dressed. You know, the
works. I even took out my top hat and my cane.
<Richad34> Now it gets a little weird. I had to go downstairs
in order to see how I looked as it's the only place with a
full body mirror. My parents sleep on the same floor as me so
I didn't want to wake them up.
<Richad34> So I got this idea. I decided to turn on my TV so
that my parents thought people were talking outside, and my
footsteps would be noises they were making. I thought it would
work, I was tired.
<Richad34> I ran downstairs, checked myself out. I looked
fine, so I went back into my room
<Richad34> Now by then the running in a suit had made me kind
of itchy (down south), so I quickly undo my pants and release
what was stuck and to relieve my itch with my hand.
<Richad34> And my mom opens the door to the room and all I do
is freeze in surprise
<Richad34> I don't know what she was thinking, but I can tell
you the following
<Richad34> It was midnight, I was in a suit and top hat, and I
appeared to be jacking off to George from Seinfeld.
<Richad34> And my mom just stood there in disbelief
<Richad34> I can't tell you what ensued, but it involved
attempted exorcism and lots of crying
<Richad34> Best night ever

(polvott:#freebsd) this channel is not for mentally challenged
14 year olds like you
(@blaxthos:#freebsd) it's for socially challenged 40 year olds
like polvott

<@Tyr> OMG
<@Tyr> Christopher Walken reading "The Raven"
< Trekkie> if there were an audiobook of Christopher Walken
reading the Bible it would probably be #1 on iTunes
<@Tyr> if christopher walken read the bible
<@Tyr> i'd be a believer

<IZZY4EL> Whats gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts,
inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
<IZZY4EL> a seat-belt

<MrAnthrope> Uhg. My graphics card keeps crashing.
<knoeki> you obviously have a drunk driver ;)

shim: I once snagged a fella who had the scariest opening line
ever
shim: "come on baby, lemme throw my hotdog down your hallway"
shim: I went afk for 10 mins because I was laughing so hard I
couldn't move
shim: what do you say to that?
shim: I thought for a while
shim: and eventually typed "any mustard?" and he left :(

<JKoss> My jokes are like Cheetos:
<JKoss> "Dangerously Cheesy!"