<THC|Rawk> Okay, so here's the plan...
<THC|Rawk> At the premiere of the next Harry Potter movie, me
wearing a black cloak and a Darth Vader helmet
<THC|Rawk> Walking up to some fucktard dressed up as Harry
Potter himself, going "Dumbledore lied, Harry. I am your
father!"
<THC|Rawk> Then ditch the helmet, pull up the hood on the
cloak, and try and pass myself of as a dementor.
<THC|Rawk> Some fucker is gonna be sooooo confused for the
rest of the evening!

[vvandering_nomad] I took some of that fake blood one night,
and made it look like my eye was gushing blood. I walked up to
the front office of the complex where this poor cute little
asian gal was working.
[vvandering_nomad] I walked up to her and said "Is Student
Health Services open?"
[Lehsa] ROFL
[vvandering_nomad] I scored some free wet-naps!
[Ku'vah] LOL
[Lehsa] you are so mean Nomie
[Ku'vah] I need to get some fake blood
[vvandering_nomad] She almost called an ambulance, until I
convinced her that I was "getting some pills for it." and that
it "Happens every winter."
[Lehsa] LOL
[Lehsa] rofl
[Ku'vah] LOL
[lvlarein] Haha

sup lyndz: "That's what you tell your parents if they catch
you masturbating. I WASN'T MASTURBATING. I WAS CLEANING IT AND
IT WENT OFF."

<Paranoua> Okay, this is the *only* right answer to the
question "Do You Think I'm Fat?":
<Paranoua> "No, because if you were fat I'd leave you."

<IMlifelike> I flushed a bag of skittles down the toilet
yesterday and watched a NASCAR race in 8 seconds flat.

<Elan> There once was a man from nantucket.
<Elan> with a dick so long he could suck it
<Elan> and he said with a grin as he wiped off his chin
<Elan> if my ear was a cunt I would fuck it

<Asuna|Sola_and_Sleep> Heh, I just plugged in a printer for
the first time in a year
<Asuna|Sola_and_Sleep> and a homework assignment that I needed
3 months ago immediately printed out
<me[dot]> hahaha
<Asuna|Sola_and_Sleep> Yeah
<Asuna|Sola_and_Sleep> Isn't that great?
<me[dot]> Modern technology, always expediting our needs

<Haddock> there are easy marks on CPT5
<Haddock> it gives you some html
<Haddock> and you have to draw what the page would look like
<Haddock> you have to be careful not to confuse <br> and <p>
and shit like that
<Haddock> but they're worth like 5-7 marks
<Numi> lol
<Numi> i'd laugh if they gave you wankers of questions like
<Numi> "draw this page, which features browser-specific bugs,
as it would render in IE6"
<Haddock> lol
<Haddock> i'd just draw a bsod
<Numi> HAHA

<danien> Here, Palden-, have this sample dildo I found in my
mailbox.
<Palden-> is it used?
<danien> No, it's still vacuum-sealed.
<Palden-> pfft, then i don't want it

<Manson> and I think I had a virus
<Manson> something about jewish dating
<GrEmLiN> you got the jew virus?
<Manson> I think so...
<Kirby> lemme guess, it took all your cache?

theDELIv3ranc3: omg
theDELIv3ranc3: this schematic said astable multivibrator
theDELIv3ranc3: and all I see is "ass vibrator"
theDELIv3ranc3: oh god
Vad3rZ: LMAO
theDELIv3ranc3: I hate bash

<Sea_Bass> Hahaha, by the way, guys, how awesome is this:
<Sea_Bass> I went to the snackbar with a couple of mates today
<Sea_Bass> and while sitting there, this truck drove by
<Sea_Bass> And I was like "Wow, that's a loooong truck"
<Sea_Bass> so it had passed, and I looked over my shoulder,
and in doing so, I caught the license plate
<Thomp> was it long cat being moved?
<Sea_Bass> which was 90-TL-DR

<MadClown> i have your soul
<fall0ut> no, some pine tree had my soul one night
<fall0ut> when I was drunk
<fall0ut> I chopped it down and dragged it through a field for
2 hours
<fall0ut> and got my soul back
<fall0ut> kthnx
<fall0ut> ^-- true story
<MadClown> for some strange reason, i beleive you
<eclypse> yea.. i can honestly say i dont doubt this
<fall0ut> nothing like an axe in one hand
<fall0ut> a beer in another
<fall0ut> screaming at the tree
<fall0ut> "FUCK YOU TREE, I'M GONNA GET M YSOUL BACK"
<fall0ut> then tying a logging chain to it and dragging it
around a field
<fall0ut> ....
<fall0ut> yea.....

<Ezandora> from an infrastructure perspective, accurate and
complete transmission of all data is paramount when creating a
reliable system
<MorningStar> okay, seriously
<MorningStar> what time is it where you are ez?
<Ezandora> er, 5:44, why?
<MorningStar> am?
<Ezandora> ya
<MorningStar> I have decided that you are not allowed to use
words with more than two syllables between the hours of 3 and
8 am

<MoNKeYSpanKeR> i'm going to have the most advanced home
security system ever
<MoNKeYSpanKeR> every night before i go to bed i am going to
put 30 rakes on the floor

<RunningRed> Actually, I'd love a tattoo over my belly and
groin that looks like Uncle Sam from the Army's old "We want
you" campaign, with my dick replacing his index finger
<RunningRed> Sort of a 3-D version

<fr_gment> Bad grammar makes me [sic].

SuperBob476: im already a college student... i caught myself
measuring my pay in fifths, then handles

<osaka> You know.
<osaka> I don't get why so many vegans have some kind of a
beef with me.
<osaka> Just because I bring home the bacon, doesn't mean I'm
egging them on.
<osaka> It's so cheesy for them to milk political correctness.
<osaka> The stakes are high on this one, but they're too
chicken to meet any resistance.

<Nautilus> God I hate little brothers
<Nautilus> 11:59 P.M. on april fools, he sets off a bash
script that logs into my company's server, uses ipfw to block
out _all_ ssh connections, and changes the site to display
goatse.
<OneMan> haha that's a good get-back
<OneMan> did you change it back?
<Nautilus> <Nautilus> uses ipfw to block out _all_ ssh
connections
<OneMan> 1 Dr. Jack Kevorkian cure-all, comin' right up!

<Sollen> so were walking back to the lab I m distracted and
paying attention that were coming up to the street and I go to
put my foot down and the curb isn't there any more.
<Sollen> and I actually realize I'm starting to fall, and I
could of tried to stumble and keep walking; except I have my
laptop in my bookbag and after the trouble I had I'm not about
to risk banging it around.  So my geek impulses say "save the
computer; sacrifice your body"
<Sollen> I guess all the martial arts helps because I managed
to do this nice slow controlled fall to the ground, at the
last minute I let go of my soda to throw my hand to the ground
and somehow the soda  manages to fall  so it's standing face
up without spilling a drop.
<Sollen> so there I am lying in the middle of this road in
center of campus with everyone staring at me after I just did
this perfect drop from standing position to lying position
completely uninjured without spilling a drop
<Sollen> so I decide to play it cool, I just lie there like
"yeah I meant to do that, I was just getting tired so I
thought I would take a nap right here"

<sollen> binary sex: I'll put my 1 in your 0, left-shift
untill I overflow and your be left just saying
ooooooooooooooo!

<philcostin> a bad workman blames his fools
<philcostin> *tools
<philcostin> damn keyboard

<maddops770> KDE or GNOME, it's like deciding which fat girl
you want to date.

<mash> these fuckin contractors
<chad> again, I know you are trying to be politically correct,
but just call them hookers

<heffalump75> so i was doing my food and tech exam, right..
<heffalump75> and for some reason they asked me to explain
three different methods of cooking potatoes.
<heffalump75> I'd just recently watched LOTR as well.
<mmmBoris> Uh oh i can see where this is going
<heffalump75> In the first box i put "boil em," the second i
put "mash em" and the third i put "stick em in a stew."
<heffalump75> And then on the side I drew a picture of Samwise
Gamgee as best i could.
<heffalump75> I got a massive tick and full marks for that
question.

GuyGuy: I am so fucking dead, dude.
Bilbo22: What's up?
GuyGuy: Ok, this is gonna take some explanation.
Bilbo22: Go for it.
GuyGuy: Alright. My wife goes crazy when I cum in her. She
really likes the feeling of liquid shooting into her or
something, cause she's absolutely nuts about it. It's like a
fucking fetish.
GuyGuy: Anyway, Last week she went totally overboard with
this. We were having sex, and everything was going great, but
when I said I was about to cum she grabbed me by the shaft,
forcefully yanked me out of her, got this fucking jar from the
drawer in the nightstand, and collected my fucking semen in
it.
Bilbo22: What the fuck?
GuyGuy: Yeah. Weird ass shit.
Bilbo22: No, I mean the fact you're telling me this shit. I
don't want to hear this.
GuyGuy: It's important dude, hear me out.
Bilbo22: Fine, Fine.
GuyGuy: Anyway, I was asking what the fuck she was up to and
she tells me she wants to save up my jism so she can take it
all at once. So she sticks the jar in the fridge and tells me
we can't have any more sex until I fill the thing entirely.
GuyGuy: And long story short, I just don't got that much juice
in me, so after a week of trying to jack it until I could fill
it, my penis felt like it was gonna burst. So I decided to
cheat, and topped it off with some of this dove soap she has,
cause it looks a lot like semen.
Bilbo22: Oh dear god, I know where this is going.
GuyGuy: So I give her the filled jar all indignant like cause
she made me do this, and she promised me lots of kinky sex for
it.
GuyGuy: Then she pulls a fucking turkey baster out of her
dresser, sucks up the contents of the jar, sticks the baster
in her pussy, and lets it rip.
GuyGuy: As it turns out, Soap apparently burns like a
motherfucker when you put it in a woman's pussy.
Bilbo22: Oh shit man. When the fuck was this?
GuyGuy: Like, ten minutes ago.
Bilbo22: Then what the fuck are you doing on AIM!?
GuyGuy: Are you kidding? She's been in the bathroom for the
past ten minutes screaming like a fucking banshee.
GuyGuy: I needed leverage. If she murders me now, I've got a
witness who can testify against her.
GuyGuy: Oh shit, she's coming out now. If you don't hear from
me in a few days, call the cops!
Bilbo22: I'll be sure to check under the porch for your body.

<|if3|355> I GOT OWNED
<|if3|355> by partition magic 8; and a perfectly timed power
surge.

<InsaneJuggalo> females here are like viruses on linux
<InsaneJuggalo> theres only like.... 3?

< Dtu3ZOhtln> i wonder if assembly programmers felt the same
way about c programmers as c programmers feel about python
programmers?
< eml> Jealousy?
< astronouth7303> eml++
< jsoftw> then theres the perl programmers who dont even feel

<Spast> I'm going to be the next Hitler
<Spast> I'm going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<AssA> good, i hate clowns.
<Spast> ...
<Spast> goddamnit

Yakuza: We get telemarketers all the time calling my house
Yakuza: So one night me and my friends got together and waited
for one to call
Yakuza: When one did, I picked it up and was like talking to
the guy, giving him that false hope
Yakuza: Then I had my friends ring the doorbell, and I was
like oh hold on
Yakuza: I went to the door and had my friends like shout shit
like "There he is! Get him!"
Yakuza: And we started popping balloons and had a movie on
full blast in the background
Yakuza: And then I let out this gut wrenching scream
Yakuza: I let the line go silent, and the guy on the other end
was like "uhh... sir?"
Yakuza: Then my friend ran over and picked up the phone and
was like "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS!?"
Yakuza: I guess he hung up like instantly :D

<Black_Dog> "^\\([^ ()]+\\)\\(([0-9]+\\),\\([0-9]+\\))"
<Black_Dog> Gotta love regexps
<Bl1tz|work> it looks like some elaborate Japanese smiley
<Bl1tz|work> like "your parents just found out you've been
slacking in class and you also have the flu"

<d-snp> Warning, premature end of input, use <Shift> + <Enter>
to avoid this message.
<d-snp> Maple tells me the same thing all the girls do :(

<COMRED> A trichinosis larva and a botfly maggot walk into a
bar. The botfly maggot turns to the trichinosis larva and says
"hey buddy, I heard you like pork." The trichonosis larva
looks the the botfly maggot right in the spiracles and says
"indeed, I encyst upon it."
<COMRED> Hahah. You get it? It's a homonymn.
<COMRED> fuck you all.

<coquelicot> after talking to this girl for a while
<coquelicot> i've come to the conclusion that she's into me
<theworstisover> a blind/deaf/retarded person could have told
you that
<coquelicot> well they should, because i think that would be
very comical to hear and watch

* pwnguin begins to think that gentoo politics rivals 18th
century italy for complexity

<Greek69> lol grow up asshole
<TwoPairSux> You have "69" at the end of your name and you're
talking to me about maturity?
<Greek69> Do you even know what 69 means you fag?
<TwoPairSux> You have "Greek" in your name and you're calling
me a fag?

FireSlash: Fastest apartment tour EVER.
FireSlash: I'm checking out this rather nicely priced place.
Manager (or one of his lackys, not shure) walk me into the
apartment
FireSlash: First thing he "points out" is how quiet the rooms
are, because of the thick walls
FireSlash: So I shout "CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?!"
FireSlash: I got one "Yeah!" and one "SHUT THE HELL UP I'M
WATCHIN' JUDGE JUDY"

snachodog: should i be able to see that I timed out?
jestuh: yeah normally you do
jestuh: efnet tries to hold on to you baby
jestuh: keep you warm
jestuh: comfort you
jestuh: hoping you won't leave it's grasp
jestuh: ever.
snachodog: damn clingy girlfriends
snachodog: er
snachodog: servers

(lawl_) i like my women how i like my wine, 5 years old
(DevilsX) I like women the way I like my filesystem
(DevilsX) FAT and 16

< lithium> btw, i'm selling a CD-RW drive if anyone's looking
for one
< atlas> Damn. It's a pity you didn't ask me in 1997, I'd have
been interested.

<H> Women are like fish in the sea, man.
<Krim> Tasty when cooked?
<Krim> Best with a hook in the mouth?
<H> ...

<Valheita> "I want to ravage you like Germany ravaged Poland
in WWII"
<Valheita> O_O
<^QuickSilver> Well at least they'll pull out.

<@G3_> Half of all adults in the United States say they have
registered as an organ donor, although only some have
purchased a motorcycle to show that they're really serious
about it.

<MVC|Programming> You know how the US is fighting a War on
Terror and when it's over there'll be no more terror?
<&Darkagentx> alledgedly, yes
<&Darkagentx> :P
<MVC|Programming> And how we fought the War on Drugs, and now
there are no more drugs?
<&Darkagentx> oh right, of course
<MVC|Programming> And how we had a War on Poverty and no one's
poor anymore?
<&Darkagentx> Naturally
<MVC|Programming> We should totally have a War on War, then
there'd be no more war.
<&Darkagentx> ...genius!

<Goof> Did you know that helicopters are souls of fallen
tanks?

«%Kashkin» "Existence is boolean."
«%Kashkin» Discuss:
«@blue_tetris» You either exist XOR you don't.

Allan: incidentally, my house is Zombie resistant.
Crysm: how so?
Allan: I wonder why that is
Allan: elevated first floor, strong steel doors.
Allan: the windows are out of reach, basically.
Crysm: it's next to a graveyard, man
Crysm: the planners had to think ahead
Allan: good point
Allan: ...dear god, I gave my house a zombie proofing
assessment.
Allan: That's... a whole new level of something.

ejc> I should go back to using windows, at least there when
something doesn't work, I don't have the illusion that I can
fix it