<hitman> I met some dude at the last meet
<hitman> and I'm like
<hitman> "do you ever go on irc?"
<hitman> and he's like
<hitman> "I did once, but this dude hitman kept talking smack"

<FunFun> We're gonna go eat at this new restaurant opened by
this Japanese family tonite...any suggestions on what to
order?
<tilted_halo> order bukkake...and ask for a bowl of
unko...they'll be impressed and stuff
<Rowan_Knights> dont forget some chitsu...
<FunFun> Thanks!
<tilted_halo> and when the waiter comes to your table say the
following: "Atashi katai hakebune no otoko ga suki!"
<FunFun> What does that mean?
<tilted_halo> it's a greeting...
<FunFun> Alrighty I'll be back in a while!
***QUITS: FunFun(Laters!!!)
<MagiTek> I know bukkake, what else did you 2 tell him ?
<Rowan_Knights> Well...I told him to order some vagina...
<tilted_halo> unko means shit and that 'greeting' means "I
like a man with a hard dick"
<MagiTek> Bwahahaha...I wish I could be there...
<tilted_halo> We all do...

<SUPERMCNUGGET> allright
<SUPERMCNUGGET> i need ur guys help on this
<SUPERMCNUGGET> THIS CONFUSES ME
<Loserbait> Depending
<SUPERMCNUGGET> greatly
<Loserbait> Spit it out little bitch
<SUPERMCNUGGET> obviously a flavoured condom is designed for
one reason
<Loserbait> To use on your penis. Yes, continue
<SUPERMCNUGGET> so the woman can taste some random flavour
while performing oral sex
<SUPERMCNUGGET> HOWEVER
<SUPERMCNUGGET> on the back of the box it says
<SUPERMCNUGGET> FOR VAGINAL USE ONLY
<SUPERMCNUGGET> how does it work?
<Loserbait> Um... Vaginas have taste buds?
<Loserbait> <Vagina> Oooh! Minty!
<SUPERMCNUGGET> dont ask why i have a box of flavoured condoms
either.....
<Loserbait> Admit it: It's for those lonely nights...

<Ich> I have passed the transitional stage of internet
geekhood
<Ich> I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the
code for plums, which is 4040.
<Ich> and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in
wrong.
<Ich> and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
<Ich> and I actually laughed out loud

<kroike> oh sweet jesus
<AcidReign> threatened me and said I wasn't sharing enough
<kroike> semen feels horrible in open wounds
<@Knights> ...
<@|00Kevin|> wtf
<AcidReign> ...
<@|00Kevin|> that deserves more than a "..." people

<wolf> 1. Save every Free Credit Card Offer you get, Put it in
pile A
<wolf> 2. Save every Free Coupon You get, put that in pile B
<wolf> 3. Now open the credit card mail from pile A and find
the Business
Reply Mail Envelope.
<wolf> 4. Take the coupons from pile B and stuff them in the
envelope you hold
in your hand.
<wolf> 5. Drop the stuffed to the brim envelopes in your mail
and walk away
whistling.
<wolf> I have now received two phone calls from the credit
card companies
telling me that they received a stuffed envelope with
coupons rather
then my application. They informed me that it they are
not pleased that
they footed the bill for the crap I sent them. I reply
with "It says
Business Reply Mail" I'm suggesting coupons to you to
ensure that your
business is more successful. They promptly hang up on
me.
<wolf> Now, I did this for about a month before it got boring,
so I got an
added idea! I added exactly 33 cents worth of pennies
to the envelope
so they paid EXTRA due to the weight. I got a call
informing me about
the money, I said it was a mistake and I demanded my
change back. After
yelling at the clerk and then to the supervisor they
agreed to my
demands and cut me a check for the money. I hold in my
hand at this
very moment a check from GTE Visa for exactly 33 cents.

<Oddlies> spawn killing is when you kill someone as they
respawn you nub
<Chimp> I do that in wolfenstein with the mortar
<Oddlies> then you're a spawn kiling nub
<Oddlies> :. sux
<Oddlies> spawn killing is not cool D:
<Chimp> They are liek: OMG YOU NUB! I HAT YOU! STOP IT PLESE.
CAN YOU TEACH ME HOW TO SPAWN KILL?
<Chimp> I only do it when I need the xp
<Oddlies> that's like saying "I only rape toddlers when I need
to get laid"
<Oddlies> it doesn't make it cool

Mondo: bukkake is a Japanese dish
Mondo: and not that kind of dish
Mondo: A dish of Japanese food. A soupy broth of Udon noodles
with some kind of broth (miso?)*, usually served in a bowl.
Mondo: wonder what'd happen.. if you ordered bukkake in a jap
resturant..
Mondo: "Mmm.. I could really go for some bukkake"
Mondo: would they bring you a dish of food, or bring 20 guys
out to jerk all over you
Kadmium: I tricked a friend into trying to order "neko don"
(lit: cat with rice) at a Japanese restaurant
Kadmium: He got a *FILTHY* look
Mondo: LOL
Kadmium: You know, that "You build railroad!" sort of look
Mondo: roflmao

<amy25``> hey it's summer - bad time for passwords - get
outside and stop masturbating!
<activexyz> better 1st stop masturbating and than go outside
<CrashFix> LOL ;-)
<CrashFix> timing is everything

Alter Legiones: i need a job. don't supose you'd pay me to
build you a computer? ^_^
Burning Broly: lol,if i can pay you with 11-14 year old
prostitutes
Alter Legiones: hmm...
Alter Legiones: i think we can work something out

<dsbnh|VC> saw chocolate boxer shorts yesterday
<dsbnh|VC> first thing that hit me was "may contain nuts"

<AaronsGurl> Um  If Your Aaron Carter MSG Me And Chat Wit Me!
<the|navigator> That's pretty sad.

<ZiggyPopFoo> does anyone know how to install OpenBSD i hav ti
on disk and i cna load it and everyhtin but i dunno how to
install it properly without wiping over windows, plz help lz?
<notick> buy a unix help manual.
<ZiggyPopFoo> i dont have unix in have openbsd u fucking def
bastard.
<notick> oh, my bad! (idiot)
*ZiggyPopFoo forgives notick
<ZiggyPopFoo> dont worry i have had nowledge about openbsd for
yers its just open bsd is the hardest one of them all, ull
learn as mich about as i know some day.
<notick> Shower me with your god-like wisdom, ZPF
<ZiggyPopFoo> wisdom??? I HAVE OPENBSD!!!!

<Jolene> so, when they landed on the moon, why cant u see the
stars in the pictures they took?
<chippy> it was daytime

--> dave (aqeug129@uplink-25D84252.shlb1201.mi.comcast.net)
has joined #Uplink
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<dave> /msg nickserv register <snip> <snip take 2>
@comcast..net
--- Muad is now known as Muad_dib
<dave> opps
<MH2> opps indeed
<dave> yea so whats new?
<MH2> Well
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<-- Ghostalker (Ghostalker@uplink-1EB07998.lutn.cable.ntl.com)
has left #Uplink (Rejoining because of user@host change)
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<MH2> I now have access to your email account
<MH2> That's pretty new
<-- Squall has quit (Ping timeout)
<MH2> You have 0 new messages, by the way

<[Knob]> So anyway, I was in this pub yesterday night, and
there was music playing. So my friend suddenly says to me
"This is good music to jerk off to" I'm like "What the fuck?"
and he goes "Yeah, doesn't everyone have a song that they jerk
off to?" - And while he said that, the music was turned off
and he screamed it throughout the entire pub. Everyone was
looking mighty strange at me...

<Wargon> RPC exploit grrrrrrr
<Wargon> blocked the ports now
<tfg> AOL blocks all that shit for me by default
<tfg> They clearly know what 99% of their users are like
<Spanky-G> like?
<Spanky-G> 99% of their users hardly know what a computer is

<PA_stoned> for once i wasn't thinking about sex   
<PA_stoned> lookit that, i guess being stoned does not
necessarily make me horny!   
<DS_lonely> *gasp* and i bet your not stoned.  
<PA_stoned> yes i am!   
<DS_lonely> WHAT!  
<PA_stoned> why else would i be eating pussy with my finger? 
<PA_stoned> oops!   
<DS_lonely> noice!  
<PA_stoned> i meant puddding

<EVILteddy> a couple of morman missionarys came to my door
this morning
<EVILteddy> hehehe\
<Bakaneko-kun> whatd you do?
<EVILteddy> mum had a cows heart out for the cats dinner
<EVILteddy> i took it to the door and took a huge bite of it
<Bakaneko-kun> really?
<EVILteddy> yep
<EVILteddy> it tasted horrible
<EVILteddy> it was raw and bloody
<EVILteddy> they called me a heritec and ran soooo fast^_^
<EVILteddy> i was pissing my self laughing all day it was like
the best thing ive ever done to a morman

(JHawk111420) Hey whats up, a/s/l?
(Lady Renegade) more than you want, I'm sure :)
(JHawk111420) ill take that as a challenge ;-)
(Lady Renegade) take it any way you want sweetie
(JHawk111420) k, how old are ya?
(Lady Renegade) probably too old for you, but let's pretend
I'm 20 ;)
(JHawk111420) k, what do ya look like?
(Lady Renegade) before or after I'm dressed up?
(JHawk111420) both :-D
(Lady Renegade) well......after I'm dressed up, I have long
sexy red hair, nails painted red to match the slinky dress I
have on, stiletto heels, pouty lips, green eyes, boobs out to
here, and a smile that stops
traffic
(JHawk111420) and before your dressed up?
(Lady Renegade) before I'm dressed up, I'm bald and wearing
boxers...sometimes my weenie is peeking out
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello ....

<WiLdSeXyPrInCeSs> i luv guyz where would they be wifout us
gals???
<XeNoX> Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.

<Wallrod> i hate having my room right next to the bathroom
<Wallrod> i have to hear my dad take a shit
<Wallrod> EVEN DEATH METAL DOESNT COVER ALL THE FREQUENCIES MY
DAD'S ASS BROADCASTS ON

[NARHDD] Man Skunk I think your gay
[Skunk] thats nice but the only time i've ever come across gay
porn is accidentally.
[NARHDD] Its amazing how people always claim that their eyes
just wonder from a reg. porn site to a gay one (with help of
ctrl + F)
[Skunk] Man I knew I shouldve uninstalled VNC

<Calren> CPU Usage: 102% score
<+Olanis> Is that possible?
<Calren> I'm throwing all my resources into running everything
at top speed, lol
<+Andross> um, how do you do that
<Sterri> lovely, you trying to warm the room up?
<Calren> Andross: chant very, very hard
<Calren> and currently I'm trying to toast a poptart
<Sterri> on the cpu, right?
<Calren> it's sitting behind the fan

<Myuutsuu> Apparently my brother was oggling at my porn stuff
and my girlfriend's picture.
<Tone> Your little brother was FAPPIN' to your girlfriend?
<Myuutsuu> All of his game files will be mysteriously deleted.
<Alphonse> Inside several folders.
<Myuutsuu> He will have a piss stain in his bed the size of
China.
<Myuutsuu> He will have his YGO cards stolen.
<Gojirott> Myuu: Use milk :X
<Gojirott> or better yet, mayo
<Myuutsuu> And I will pay one of the kids at his school to
kick his ass.

RaceTM: yeah its really weird
it seems like every time i re-install, something goes wrong
RaceTM: i have yet to get a flawless ghost image
RaceTM: its pissing me off
lol
RaceTM: and im sure its probably one dumb program i always
install that messes things up
Veritech Ferret: hehe
Veritech Ferret: Windows

<Big_Mike> Science teachers are either really good or complete
nutcases.
<DS> sometimes both.
<CurvyEm> I'm actually topless now, i couldn't be arsed to
wear a top anymore
<DS> it is a fine line.
<DS> Well, that was a nice random interjection into a
completely random conversation.

<m[e]ntor> Does anyone know where I can buy 100 m of wireless
lan cable?
<insight> Well, you could try NASA's "things not yet and never
will be invented"-department or something.

<Shempo> ...do I have to set the drive to
like...master..slave..blahblahblahb...o.O
<ShadowRage> slave
<ShadowRage> look at the jumpers on it
<ShadowRage> there will either be an M or an S, or just mater
or slave
<ShadowRage> pop the jumpter on slave
<ShadowRage> jumper*
<ShadowRage> if it's the primary hd, then master
<Shempo> Well...Rawr..
<Shempo> I plugged the bitch im
<Shempo> in8
<Shempo> in*
<Shempo> it rawred at me
<Shempo> CLIIIKC CLICKCLIIICCK
<Shempo> ..now what?
<ShadowRage> access the bios
<ShadowRage> (either escape, f1 or delete when your computer
first powers on)
<Shempo> yea..
<Shempo> and?
<ShadowRage> what kinda BIOS do you have?
<Shempo> dunno
<ShadowRage> this is on an older machine?
<Shempo> 1 year
<ShadowRage> hmmm
<ShadowRage> ok, are you in the bios?
<Shempo> ..no
<Shempo> That'd require restarting.
<ShadowRage> ... you added this HD with the computer on?!
<Shempo> >.>
<Shempo> <.<
<Shempo> :D
<ShadowRage> ..on your current machine?
<ShadowRage> right now?
<Shempo> o.o
<ShadowRage>
.....................................................
<Shempo> Run?
<ShadowRage> lowkey: give me the learnin' stick.
<Shempo> ...
<Shempo> :(
<Shempo> The 2x4?
* ShadowRage smacks Shempo with a 2 by 4
<Shempo> :(
<Shempo> Yea...dumb mistake..
<ShadowRage> ....you seriously plugged it in with the machine
ON?!
<Shempo> Possibly harmful?
<ShadowRage> ......
<ShadowRage> yes
<ShadowRage> very
<Shempo> o.o
<ShadowRage> ..it's a surprise your computer didnt explode and
kill you in the process.

<inetd_> so many people at work are homophobic
<inetd_> so i'm gonna ask random peoples "if you were on a bus
full of gay guys, would you get off?"

<mad> shit shit shit
<mad> i just started blaring tunes, thinking i had only my
headphones on
<mad> but i forgot to turn off my speakers..
<mad> i bet i just woke everyone in the house up
<Gold> lol
<Gold> nice one
<mad> meh
<mad> im drunk
<mad> what do i care
<GreenWrecKingBall> hahaha
<GreenWrecKingBall> lucky it wasn't porn
<mad> omg
<mad> that's exactly what i was about to type
<mad> "lucky it was was rage against the machine, instead of
this pron mpg i was about to load up"
<mad> since the only reason i realized my speakers were on is
my feet could feel my sub kicking
<mad> i doubt the pron woulda done that until about half way
in

<NES> hah
<NES> speaking of your mom jokes getting me in trouble
<NES> my friend rocky's mom died of cancer
<NES> I had no knowledge of this cancer, I hadn't known him
very long
<NES> and I had for a while this obnoxious habit of doing
those your mom jokes
<NES> repeating something someone said and inserting their mom
<NES> so I sit down at lunch one day and I hear him say "she
died of cancer"
<NES> and I said "your MOM died of cancer"
<NES> *silence*

<@Gesten> I'm going to cry when my grandchildren look at me
and say: "Grandpa...why'd you let them make everything on the
internet illegal?"
<@Amily> as if it was all your doing? :)
<@Gesten> I should've been born two years earlier so I could
ahve ahd a voice.
<@Amily> you don't have a voice?!?!
<@Amily> you're a mute!
<@Gesten> You didn't know I was a mute?
<@Amily> well i know now, and it makes me immensely happy
<@Gesten> No seriously...my neck hit a countertop when I was a
kid. I can only make high-pitched muffled noises that sound
like squirrels mating.

<cj_> welp, that was fun.  back to irc.
<cj_> i managed to add a quart of oil to my car before losing
interest in RL.
<cj_> cs?

<Strepto> Lack of porn is just as dangerous as dehydration.
<_abuse> you are so right strepto..

Lord Almighty 3: yo
onkeybutt87: can you make a rock that you can't lift?
onkeybutt87: because if you're all-powerful... you can make
something unliftable
onkeybutt87: but if you're all-powerful, you can also lift it
onkeybutt87: which wouldn't make it unliftable
Lord Almighty 3: ...
Lord Almighty 3: shit

<Harklan> youll never believe this
<Harklan> but theres a tomb raider game that doesnt suck
<Resare> Tomb Raider: Undressed?

<metaly> what the dum
<metaly> this person on direct connect has their drives named
after the three wise men
<metaly> although i am guessing they were trying for "gaspar"
but somehow ended up with "casper"
<Pokeytax> which one is the porn

<ShyAway> so, if you asked for mint, I wouldn't not give it to
you because you like chocolate
<ShyAway> so, in conclusion, men are chocolate, girls are mint
<ShyAway> and, flat likes men
* ShyAway was kicked by flatface (Stop hitting yourself)
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* ShyAway was kicked by flatface (Stop hitting yourself)
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<MonaLeilani> flat: set mode +I
* ShyAway was kicked by flatface (Stop hitting yourself)
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* ShyAway was kicked by flatface (Stop hitting yourself)
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<flatface> Never
* ShyAway was kicked by flatface (Stop hitting yourself)
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<flatface> This is much more fun

<blue-mecha> uh oh, interoffice sexual policy has been
violated

<Jeedo> hey baby, whats up?
<Indidge> umm....nothing?
<Jeedo> So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
<Indidge> Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
<Jeedo> Yes  Mrs.Miller.. :-/

<Scummder> well thats great. I get to spend about 5 minutes
playing gamecube before my mother appears from nowhere and
tells me to do more mowing.
<bile> think of your mother as an endboss and destroy her.

<zeedo> heh I got a delivery today and started to sign my name
"zeedo"
<zeedo> lmao
* Subliminal is playing Metallica - Jump In The Fire
<Subliminal> rofl
<Subliminal> your loosing your true identity
<Subliminal> and become a sequence of 0's and 1's
<zeedo> the dude just gave me a weird look when I said "can
you wipe that off its the wrong name"
<zeedo> he cleared the screen thinking I was a weirdo
<zeedo> I am but thats besides the point
<Subliminal> lmao
<Subliminal> you should spell itin binary or smt

<`-X-> how i can disconnect without the usual commands? (/
quit, /disconnect /exit etc )?
<`-X-> help me pls
<@Splodgey> /msg <insert name of ircop here> you suck cock

<doobie> where do you sickos get these fucking links
<doobie> i mean seroiusly, do you type in
<doobie> horribly disfigured penis into google?
<Diablo> no
<Diablo> actually i was searching for penises in mouse traps

RubbarDuckling: my middle eastern boss pulled me aside from
work today
RubbarDuckling: and was like
RubbarDuckling: "there are some things that are concerning me
with your work, you didnt fill the lids or the napkins...you
left the steam tables on overnight and the place could have
burned down..but most importantly...you didnt wear your
uniform"
RubbarDuckling: im like "wait  wearing a uniform is more
important than setting a building aflame....how?"
RubbarDuckling: and hes like
RubbarDuckling: "oh and yea...you need to stop being so
sarcastic."
RubbarDuckling: "and with your work you need to work
better...you know..pull your socks up!"
RubbarDuckling: and im like "what the...what??  pull my socks
up uhhh..."
RubbarDuckling: what the fuck is pull my socks up mean
RubbarDuckling: i liked how arson is 2nd on his list though

<BlueAngel_> we did it over msn yesterday
<BlueAngel_> I was very pleased with it
<BlueAngel_> I can't wait to meet him in person

<@kitten`> Scientists have determined that the average time
for intercourse is four minutes. The average number of strokes
per minute is nine, and since the average length of the penis
is six inches, the average female received two hundred and
sixteen inches or fifteen feet per intercourse. Three times
per week, fifty two weeks in a year, so, 150 times 18 makes
2700 feet, or just over a mile and a half. If you are not
getting your mile and a half, why not let me help out
<Ritontor> strokes per minute is 9?
<i> rofl
<m0zz> 4 minutes?
<revva> lol
<Ritontor> what the deuce?
<m0zz> 4 minutes is average!?
<kb_DeAd> the average length of the male penis is 15cm
<i> well since i got at least 9 inches, you should be getting
2 and a 1/4 miles
<@mima> like 4 min is way too short
<kb_DeAd> the average depth of a female vagina is 18cm
<kb_DeAd> goin on current population
<kb_DeAd> australia has 12,367 feet of unused pussy
<i> hang on... work out the average amount of cum we shoot up
a bitch each time
<i> and we can work out miles per gallon
<Mad-Cow> rofl
<@catinahat> heAe Ahe AEHA EhaEH
<@catinahat> youre all fucked up

<BChikapa> Holy shit. Calisa, are you watching this thing on
Fox
<Calisa> no.
<BChikapa> This guy was in a boat, and a swordfish JUMPED OUT
OF THE WATER AND STABBED HIM IN THE FACE.
<Calisa> [SA]HatfulOfHollow finally got them.
<BChikapa> I don't know if it's sadder that you made that
joke, or that I got it.

<Arrgh> futhermore, the DMV shall be refered to from this
point on as "the dank troll pit"
<Arkangel> agreed
<Arkangel> There are many interesting specimens of the lower
caste of the human race residing there.
<Arrgh> the last time i was there, i overheard this: "no,
thats not a saxaphone, its a fire extinguisher"
<Arkangel> lol
<Arkangel> I was there three weeks ago and I saw a women who
looked straight out of "Killer Klowns from Outer Space"
<Arrgh> !
<Arrgh> you should have asked for her autograph
<Arkangel> pink hair
<Arkangel> reverse mohawk
<Arkangel> pig tails
<Arkangel> horrid make-up
<Arkangel> at least she looked happy!
<Arrgh> "i loved you in killer klowns! can you sign this for
me?!"
<Arkangel> *women proceeds to eat me*