<conlusio_> ok I can't fucking win today
<conlusio_> ATM eats my card
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conlusio_> Staples stopped shipping UPS for this week due to
'retraining due to shipping a hazardous container'
<conlusio_> and everyone fucking bails on me in the middle of
my rant :(
<conlusio_> I knew I was bitching but jeezus
<conlusio_> ....

<Locke|Away> Listen, this is purely theoretical, but is it
dangerous to get a cat high?
<Boko> only one way to find out o_O
<Locke|Away> Like, not making him eat it or anything, but
let's say there is a cat around the smoke.
<Locke|Away> That's not going to hurt the cat or anything,
right?
<Odyslep> don't think so
<Odyslep> unless it ODs
<Odyslep> prolly give it a cough too
<Locke|Away> Let's say it hasn't coughed but it keeps trying
to jump on top of the TV set and it keeps missing. 
<Locke|Away> Would that sort of cat be in any trouble?

Tony``/#chat slams a motherboard over the|navigator's head
<the|navigator> You idiot! I could of built a computer with
that one.
<Tony``> no dice. it was an intel

Philips.com "live chat"
Please wait for a consultant to assist you.
mfennell will be with you momentarily!
mfennell says, "Thank you for contacting Philips USA Webchat.
My name is Maurice. How may I assist you today?"
You say, "yeah.. i was looking at your digital camera keyrings
and had a question"
You say, "i couldnt find what resolutions that were available
to take pictures in"
mfennell says, "I will be more than happy to assist you with
this information but first , please may I have your first and
last name, zip code, city and telephone number so as to create
a case file ?"
You say, "i realize it is 1.3 gigapixels and it comes in
either 128 or 64 meg memory capacitys, but i dont know what
res it will take picutres in"
You say, "er... do you really need all of that info? im not
sure if im going to buy it or anything.. i just wanted to know
the resolutions.."
mfennell says, "We would like this information so as to keep a
record of each customer contact."
You say, "but im going to talk to you for all of like.. half a
minute.."
You say, "my name and email address was allready submitted..
that should be more than enough"
mfennell says, "May I have the model number of the unit
please?"
You say, "KEY008"
You say, "and KEY007.. if there is a difference"
mfennell says, "Thank you."
mfennell says, "With an issue like this what we suggest is
that you contact us at 1-800-531-0039."
You say, "er.... lool.. ok... im not gong to give them my info
either"
You say, "how bout i just look around for a different
manufacturer that is less creepy.."
mfennell says, "With an issue like this what we suggest is
that you contact us at 1-800-531-0039."
You say, "wow.. generated responses.."
You say, "really makes me feel i have a genuine connection w/
the person helping me"
You say, "well thanx for spending a good 15 min of my time"
You say, "have a nice day...."
You say, "try not to seduce any 13 yr olds over the net..."
mfennell says, "Thank you."
mfennell says, "Thanks for contacting Philips USA. "
Your consultation has ended
mfennell leaves.

spikearmageddon: how old are you?
saxydrew14: 15
saxydrew14: im a youngin
spikearmageddon: ooh, baby
almost legal, just my type
saxydrew14: ::jumps into arms:::
spikearmageddon: there you go, just sit on santa's lap
and tell me what you want for christmas
and don't mind the casual thrusting, it's necessary for me to
fulfil your wish
saxydrew14: hahahahaha
saxydrew14: santa i want a bike for chrismas oww
spikearmageddon: that's a mightly big gift, little one
you'll have to stay on my lap for another hour, if you want
that
saxydrew14: ok santa
saxydrew14: ouch
saxydrew14: thump thump
spikearmageddon: damn kid, you're bleeding
get the hell off
i'll give you 2 bikes if you shut up and bring me your little
brother
saxydrew14: i dont have a brother
saxydrew14: i have a sister
saxydrew14: you want her
spikearmageddon: hmm
that gives me an idea
yeah, kid, bring her and get back on my lap
but she'll have to sit on your lap now
just do what i tell you and you'll get your bike in no time

<deadpewl> dude
<Darn> hmmm I'm wondoring about these ranchos
<deadpewl> this dumb slut is at my house
<deadpewl> she wont leave
<deadpewl> but she wont fuck me
<deadpewl> wtf
<deadpewl> but she buys me beer and food
<deadpewl> so I guess she can stay
<TheDrip> just shove your cock in her mouth, and if she done
like it, throw her out
<deadpewl> brb

<shiwan> Geez, can't a guy mention Janet Reno on Margaret
Thatcher strap-on porn and not empty a channel?

<@Firebird> Anyone want the mpeg of the ABC special about
pirating movies and tv shows?
<Psy> ...

<Sopabuena> I will name my children after my testicles
<Sopabuena> Left and Right
<GreenJeanz> .........
<Mort> I don't think 'small' and 'smaller' are very good
names.

< LittleJon> heh.... Kim just asked me what "bukkake" is....
so I told
her to type the word in Google & hit "I'm feeling
lucky."
< Lord_Pryo> lol!
< LittleJon> ....and she did it on Tixer's computer.
* Slide rofl!
< Lord_Pryo> :D
< Lord_Pryo> please tell me Tixer was there
< LittleJon> he came in towards the end, and said, "I'm gonna
get in
trouble!"

<NekoGuy> Ladies and Gentlemen of the world, tonight I
masterbated, then told the President of Africa to fuck off
because he has no intention of cooperating, then I read a book
for 39 minutes, then made love to my wife anally. Any
questions?
<NekoGuy> XD
<It> lupis, dehumanizing the enemy is the prime strategy for
victory in war.  If your enemy isn't human, but a crazy
shithead mindless bastard who doesn't deserve to live, it's
easier to get soldiers to kill.
<It> lol
<It> Targen from The 3l33t Times.  Can you offer us pictures
of the anal love to your wife?
<NekoGuy> Nope, but I will have you educated.
<NekoGuy> GUARDS! TAKE THIS MAN OUTSIDE AND SHOOT HIM IN THE
BACK OF THE HEAD.
* NekoGuy sniffles
<It> Fuck.
<NekoGuy> I'm a man of hard love
<NekoGuy> hard as in the steel of a bullet
<It> Bullets aren't made of steel.
<NekoGuy> MY FUCKING BULLETS ARE
<NekoGuy> GUARDS, CASTRATE THIS MAN BEFORE YOU SHOOT HIM IN
THE BACK OF THE HEAD
<NekoGuy> THEN TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK.
<It> Fuck.
<NekoGuy> AND BRING ME VIRGINS
<It> I don't get what's so great about virgins.
<It> They bleed when you fucks 'em.
<lupis> virgins who have been extensively taught sexual
techniques
<It> lupis, and have no actual practical experience?
<NekoGuy> ...
<NekoGuy> GUARDS
<It> NekoGuy: your guards are too busy having hot yaoi mansex
with each other.
<NekoGuy> Fuck...

<Roogle> You could ban the whole Arab Emirates, for I've never
seen anyone on IRC from there
<Onyx> heh
<Onyx> ban an entire country :p
<Prometheus> I vote we ban belguim
<Prometheus> they're not trustworthy
<ian> yeah, then we can ban england and japan too.
<Prometheus> england is funny though
<Onyx> I say we ban the Swiss
<dn> *!*@*.fr
<UfoZ> I say we ban romania?
<Onyx> their neutrality is too suspicious...
<Kyou> lol
<Kyou> BAN THE FRENCH
<Prometheus> I bet the swiss are building an army like right
now
<Kyou> yeah
<Kyou> neutral, my ass
<Onyx> nah, Kal's from France.  Probably the only cool person
in the entire country though
* Fujiko sets mode: +bbbbbbb *!*@*.jp *!*@*.uk *!*@*.fr *!
*@*.be *!*@*.se *!*@*.br *!*@*.ro

too_much_prozak: ooowee girl you sho-nuff is hot stuff..c'mon
over my house an sit on my face
eye_doan_know: Where you live big man? I'll think about it.
too_much_prozak: I'm in san diego..where U?
eye_doan_know: dont that beat all ...I'm in diego too
too_much_prozak: ...NO!...yer joshin.....for real?
eye_doan_know: real deal big guy.......you wanna hook up
tonite?
too_much_prozak: sounds like a plan....your place? my place?
or??
too_much_prozak: no..wait cant be my place...my g'friend is
here.
eye_doan_know: cant be my place either...my boyfriend is
downstairs.
too_much_prozak: ...what a co-ink-ee-dink my girlfriend is
upstairs...........uh-oh-
too_much_prozak left the room

<PRM> Theres a special girl in the office that i got a thing
for.
<King-T> Yeah? Who? Is she nice ?
<PRM> She's called clare, i want to fuck her up the arse so
that i can tell the bitch who's boss.
<King-T> go for it man!
<PRM> Yeah, just gotta make sure she doesnt fuck my arse
first!
<King-T> Whoa, she a man man ?
<PRM> Not any more, think it may of been a dodgy sex-op gone
wrong.
<King-T> Dont want to know...

<Inversation> okay, tell me something people. Is it wrong to
reeeaalllly like something alot?
<^Spike^> Uh.. no
<Inversation> and is it wrong to, say, want to eat that
something, even if it wasnt designed to be eaten, per se?
<^Spike^> ,,,,,,,,,,
<^Spike^> What are we talking about?
<Turnip> aaron
<Turnip> you can't eat your daughter
<Inversation> because I have an addiction to this AktaVite
chocolate drink stuff
<^Spike^> EW
<Jessica^Rabbit> AARON HAS EATEN POOP
* Jessica^Rabbit falls over
* Turnip picks jess up and tapes her to a chair to stop her
falling over again
<Inversation> i'm worried here, because it says 'add milk'
<Inversation> but I Just Dont Wannna

<H|G> wo da hells dat
<MoonHawk> whats balls?
<Marcus`> you don't know what balls are?
<H|G> no
<MoonHawk> Marcus`  no i dont
<H|G> we dont have it here
<Marcus`> you guys don't have balls in france?
<H|G> i guess not
<_PhAnTaSm> I think they only have bawls in north america.

<AXiLLA> it feels like I need to do the dishes.. I'm drinking
juice out of an ashtray :[

<sick-rdi> haha..i had sex in the car the other day
<BlAkEaGe> haha..i had sex on a pooltable yesterday
<sick-rdi> liar
<BlAkEaGe> Truths.
<sick-rdi> there is no girl, there is no pooltable
<BlAkEaGe> Just because you haven't seen a vagina doesn't mean
it doesn't exist.
<sick-rdi> ive seen a vagina
<BlAkEaGe> Yeah.. porn.
<sick-rdi> ive actually licked and sucked on one
<BlAkEaGe> Don't lick your screen, it'll fuck it up.

<X0rG> u know how stalkers on teh intranet sometimes send
their victims gifts?
<beuges> yes?
<beuges> you have received a gift?
<X0rG> I want a gift
<beuges> whoa
<X0rG> so I shal entice a stalker today
* X0rG is now known as HotBabe15

<infamous>my old man always said, the day I cant do my job
drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun...

<M`> wtf is scat
<M`> i cant find it on google
<Insanity|sleep> Mikey.
<SoulWeef[a]r> Hang on
<M`> and i am eating a strawberry cream cicle so i fear
clicking on any images
<Insanity|sleep> playing with shit.
<M`> oh duh
<SoulWeef[a]r> No
<SoulWeef[a]r> Eating shit
<M`> eating shit is nothing to me
<M`> WAIT!
<M`> omg. dont take that the wrong way

<GameOver> I hate the drop off services
<GameOver> "$0.60 a pound! (minimum $5)
<GameOver> So you'd have to have bags full of heavy clothes
<Jorenko> damn
<GameOver> It'd be nice to just take the bus to work, drop off
at Spin Cycle, then grab them when I go home
<GameOver> It's a Wash 'n' Fold service, so they seperate and
whatnot, too.
<GameOver> ... but then comes the question -
<GameOver> - Do I really want a strange Mexican touching my
panties?

<MyKe> YEs, my uk,eybo;ard is o;ffilcilail.il.il.y...bro;uk,en
(ilf yo;uk co;ukil.dp't teilil), so; IL wo;np' t be c'h;
attilng mukch fo;r the next weeuk, ukntil the new o;ne co;mes.
Do;np' t asuk.

<never> hey... question......
<never> i'm new to irc stuff and i'm trying to download mp3's
through it
<never> know of any good servers? i've come up with
irc.dal.net but that's it
<kirun> irc.riaa.org
<never> k thanks

DDR Takumi: Search for 'Social Life' returned 0 results.
DDR Takumi: bah, what now

Cosmixmaster : hi there
Cosmixmaster : did you hit it yet?
Holom  : no
Cosmixmaster : why not
Holom  : 1. she sorta wants to wait and 2. no place to do it
Cosmixmaster : wait until marriage?
Cosmixmaster : your room?
Cosmixmaster : her room?
Cosmixmaster : her vagina?
Cosmixmaster : ?
Holom  : no, not till marriage
Holom  : cant in her room.....might could in mine
Cosmixmaster : how about outside
Cosmixmaster : or in a car
Cosmixmaster : or outside a bar
Cosmixmaster : would you fuck her in a chair
Cosmixmaster : would you fuck her near a bear
Cosmixmaster : would you fuck her in a bed
Cosmixmaster : or perhaps in the head
Cosmixmaster : how about in the sky
Cosmixmaster : or while eating an apple pie
Cosmixmaster : try it on some hay
Cosmixmaster : some like it down by the bay
Cosmixmaster : but I like prefer doing it during mass
Cosmixmaster : but nothing beats tapping it in the ass
Holom  : hahaha
Holom  : nice
Cosmixmaster : so which one
Holom  : i'm thinking bed
Cosmixmaster : it's the mass one, isn't it?
Cosmixmaster : damn

Mattbot80: The creepiest thing happened at work the other day
i went to the bathroom and there was a female janitor cleaning
it and i was like shit i'll have to come back later she sees
me and says something in spanish i have no idea what she said
but she had like an evil witch cackel a hispanic guy had
walked in behind me and told me she had invited me to go ahead
it creeped me out
DaShizza: You seriously should have just whipped it out, did
you really have anything to lose?
Mattbot80: Well i went the urinal and whipped it out thinking
that's creepy but she wouldn't be able to see anything but my
back but then she starts mopping around my feet and then she
put the mop between my legs and hit my foot and i was like
fuck this i'm gone i'll piss myself if i need to.
Mattbot80: It was the most akward momownt i've ever had in a
bathroom
DaShizza: hahahha
i just showed my co-worker
hahah, thats hysterical
Mattbot80: Glad you enjoyed it this may very well cause deep
emotional scarring and a phobia of public bathrooms or female
janitors

<D`Kay> Hmm.. what would it be called where you take someone's
phone number and get the address from it?
<Rail> Stalking.

<Kaster> Here's a quesiton: if you could kill one person, and
you were guaranteed you would not get caught, who would you
kill and why?
<Tomekeeper> I would kill Pauly Shore.  If anyone needs that
explained they should be next on the list.

<nukem82> so, yesterday my msn contact list was full
<nukem82> and i decided it was time for a major purge
<nukem82> "anyone who i havent met in real life, is getting
deleted"
<nukem82> bad mistake
<hyperm0rphz> .....
<nukem82> the only contacts online are my dad and my msn
bot.....

<Donut[AFK]> .. this is my new pickup line.
<@Meikai> Twitch.
<Donut[AFK]> "Hey, did I mention I have a single cock, and
that it is of average size and shape?"
<Donut[AFK]> "Also, I have no STDs!"
<@Meikai> "Because I never get laid!"

<v_9>FUCK
<v_9>SHIT
<v_9>DAMNBITCHTOHELL
<v_9>i was just surfing throuh porn, then i was just stopped
wanking it
<v_9>you know, going to a different url
<v_9>then all of a sudden,
<v_9>A FUCKING FLY LANDED ON MY MUSHROOM CAP
<v_9>THE SHIT HURT LIKE A MUHER FUCKER
<v_9>i mangaed to get a book real fast
<v_9>then made another mistake.
<v_9>i slammed the book right onto my shlong
<v_9>and part of the fly was dripping down to my balls.
<v_9>:/

Whiskey: u know that chick that u said was stalking u or
somethign like a while ago?
XAsHeSX: hmm
XAsHeSX: no
XAsHeSX: i forget
Whiskey: u sent me a naked picture of her
Whiskey: cuz she was sending them to u
XAsHeSX: oh yea
Whiskeyinmy: i saw her today at walmart lol
XAsHeSX: i was in walmart today :-/

<Foobar> /VoWeLCaPS! NoW You CaN TaLK LiKe WaReZ DooDS WiTH
LeSS eFFoRT
<Palidor> foobar you have too much time on your hands

<@n3u> anyone here who like to scan my ports?
<@n3u> :)
<+MrX> is that a sly way of asking for cyber sex?

[04:32] (%craigr000) WHAT THE FUCK
<%craigr000> FOR ONCE I'M HAVING AN EROTIC DREAM
<%craigr000> AND I AWAKEN TO MY FUCKIN MOM
<%craigr000> HITTING ME AND TELLING ME I HAVE TO SCRUB THE
WALLS
<%craigr000> I MEAN IT'S OBVIOUS THE ONLY PLACE I'M GONNA GET
ANY ACTION IN A LONG ASS TIME IS IN THE REALM OF SLEEP. THANKS
MOM. THANKS A LOT.

<Mutation> wow, only 260 quotes pending on bash...
<Mutation> i think its a sign of the end times...
<Mutation> when it hit's zero jesus returns to us in the form
of a nigger joke

MoonJuice: its amelia you dumb bitch
bryanvaim: you accidently typed "you" instead of "the"

<@PCG|TMC_MusicmanTRS> ok... whats RIAA??

<+COokie|DLingZELDAmusic> damnit theres just not enough fat
girl pron on kazaa
<+COokie|DLingZELDAmusic> i mean..zelda music...

<punchcard_w0rk> i think i will form a computer addiction
recovery group.
<punchcard_w0rk> call it "users no longer enslaved to
electronic technology"
<punchcard_w0rk> or UnLeet

<maggie> how do i shut down my computer?
<uh> press start...
<maggie> no i want to SHUT DOWN! why does everyone tell me to
click start...
<uh> ... you might as well just pull the power cord...
<maggie> uh but i also heard...
* maggie has quit irc (Error: connection reset by peer)

[Yaksha] At least I'll have my laptop with me at work ;)
[Heri] WOOOHOOO!
[Heri] No clitoris, though
[Yaksha] Clitoris?
[Heri] yeah you know... the little bump in the middle of the
keyboard ;)
[Heri] you kinda have to tickle it to make it work
[Yaksha] lol
[Yaksha] I think that'd look kind of weird at work ...
[Yaksha] The computer starts beeping louder and faster ...
[Heri] LMAO LMAO LMAO
[Heri] then shoots a CDROM out of the drive
[Yaksha] LOL
[Yaksha] The monitor panel slowly falls into the closed
position
[Heri] LMAO!
[Heri] then it smokes a ciggy?
[Yaksha] Nahh, it formats a floppy

<Swap_File> hey, how many PSI are blow up dolls inflated to,
generally?

<Swap_File> explosives + Lan party + flare gun = broken
toilet, and report of "fireworks display" on the police radio

Dough Girl7777:  my grandma is funny
CherryOnion1979:  okay
Dough Girl7777:  she tries to spoil me, but she has like no
money, so she gives me plants 
Dough Girl7777:  and she gets all excited when she gives em to
me

<-yptosis> But Kazaa is telling me freecondoms.com is having a
blow-out extravaganza...
<-yptosis> That doesn't seem like it'd sell condoms very
well... blow-outs are the last things I need...

<Robyn> If the spam I receive is representative of America,
then there must be many fat women married to men with tiny
penises.

narzy: can you throw in a filter that if it mentions bash its
auto dumped?
Protected Identity: Haha
Protected Identity: No, I prefer the mods suffe
Protected Identity: r
narzy: ok, but don't be shocked if you get a jizzed on
keyboard for X-mas...
Protected Identity: Dont be surprised if you get a punch in
the face for new years
narzy: don't be supprised if you get your scrotum as a change
purse for easter...
Protected Identity: Dont be surprised if your mod account gets
locked in 5 seconds
narzy: oh shit, im sorry im sorry im sorry...

<caNcer_b0y> my boy just shit in the can for the first time :)
<route> lol congrats
<caNcer_b0y> its a HUGE step for him :)
<route> heh i can imagine
<dr_binks> how old is he?
<caNcer_b0y> 2.5
<dr_binks> see route, if a 2yr old can do it, why cant u?
<route> cause i like my nappy's