<Kiell> so it was my mate's funeral the other day
<Kiell> the parents asked his girlfriend to choose a song that
he liked.
<Kiell> and between them they picked out "Bombtrack" by Rage
Against The Machine.
<Kiell> So, just before the coffin disappeared to be cremated,
Zach de la Rocha is screaming "burn, burn, yes you're gonna
burn".
<Kiell>  Funniest. Funeral. Ever.

<nerdBeer> so, I just dropped a book _into the toilet_
<ct> home or work?
<popsQ> heh, does it matter?
<nerdBeer> poop's poop, man.
<banquo> Ok,..WHY were you reading a book over a poop filled
toilet? And what!? "Poop spotters guide"? "Pooping for
dummies"? "The illustrated guide to What the Hell did I Eat"?
"Flushing and putting the seat down (A husbands compendium)"?
<banquo> If you have to stand and read it it has to be porn
while your,.........Oh I see

<che> there's a programmer's union?
<Wintermute> yes
<Wintermute> Local 100100101110101010010

<@roddie> LCDs don't show porn properly because they don't
have the concept of black or black levels
<@ecoli> i don't watch interracial porn anyway

<EventHorizon> is it just me or does our prof wear sweaters
alot?
<swtaarrs> that's a sweatshirt
<EventHorizon> yeah
<EventHorizon> i think sweatshirt extends sweater though
<EventHorizon> so its still an instance
<DroolingSheep> no it doesn't sweaters suck
<swtaarrs> you're an instance of stupid
<EventHorizon> ur an instance of ur mom
<ChixLoveUnix> I implemented your mom last night.
<EventHorizon> i extended ur mom so bad she threw an exception
<EventHorizon> or something
<swtaarrs> if your mom were a collection class, her insert
method would be public

<nepredi> i was watching doom in the cinema today
<nepredi> there was a very exciting scene where it was matter
of life or death
<nepredi> and some guy behind me screams "SAVE IT, IDIOT!"

<DoomDemon> I have good news and bad news.
<DoomDemon> The good news is that I had some really great sex
with my wife last night.
<DoomDemon> And she even screamed "Oh John!" during orgasm.
<PhylumDeviant> isnt ur name dave?
<DoomDemon> Yeah, that's the bad news...

<Shakeman> holy christ, there is a hurricane Beta too?
<Linkin> yeah, its in development..

Aria: So you heard about the software failure on the space
shuttle that caused the windshield to crack?
Aria: The programmers explained it that with so many holes, at
that altitude, windows sucks bad.
Vruba: Now /that's/ a BSOD.
Bodger: Talk about breathtaking incompetence.

<Rjx> so guys
<Rjx> i gotta get my computer to the USA somehow
<Rjx> as cheap as possible
<GerbilWrk> wrap it up in a condom and swallow it
<Jimmothy> put it in a condom and swallow it
<Rjx> you two aren't allowed to talk anymore

<Tall Israeli> I think just about anyone who meets me and
talks to me for long enough comes to terms with the fact that
I am a very sick, twisted person. Also factor in a few
mountain dews, a Peer-to-Peer connection, and boredom and you
get what might be the funniest combination imaginable.
I had been downloading music yesterday evening. Led Zeppelin,
REO Speedwagon, Flock of Seagulls, things like that. Then I
realized that it'd be a funny joke to play on people if I were
to change "Keep on Rolling" to "Hot Lesbian Sex". I watched as
within minutes this file got 50 downloads. I was astounded.
Then the Tom got an idea.
An awful idea.
The Tom got a wonderful awful idea.
What if, perhaps, I was to change some of these names to sick
pornography titles? I wonder if I'd get any bites?
And this is where the fun begins.
The first title I put up was "Naked boys dancing and eating
cake." I sat in anticipation, waiting for my first download.
Success, the first download came. Then the second. Then the
third. This baby was steamrolling down the information super
highway like a trucker with a hardon that has 2 miles left to
the next truck stop. Before I knew it, I was getting twenty
downloads. Then thirty. Then fifty. Can you imagine that in
the end, rather than getting dancing boys naked and indulging
themselves with sweets and frolicking in a dewy meadow,
one-hundred thirty two people got a disappointing video of Led
Zeppelin performing "Dazed and Confused" in front of a live
audience? At this point, I had no choice but to continue.
The second title I put up was "My Ex-Girlfriend mowing the
lawn naked." I thought that this was too far out to get any
downloads. Alas, I was wrong. It got a download. Then two.
Then thirty. In the end, seventy-eight sweaty, drooling fudges
wanted to see my ex girlfriend mow the lawn stark naked. She's
not even that hot. Rather then get their lawn-mowing beauty,
they got the song "Ozone baby."
For the third title, I decided to transform "White Wedding"
into the more intriguing "Elephant cock horse." I wish I could
say I was kidding when this thing was downloaded one hundred
eighty seven times. I guess there is something about horses
and elephants showing their cocks that bring out the best in
people. I nearly died of laughter at this point. "How can
nearly two hundred people want to see naked animals? They're
ALWAYS naked!" For sanctity's sake, we're going to leave this
as a mystery. I hope I turned some people on to Billy Idol,
hopefully distracting them long enough to forget that
masturbating to horse and elephant genitalia are not really
something their mothers would be proud of.
I couldn't stop myself from doing another. "Grandma Bingo
Sex." Short and sweet. I couldn't stop myself from
amusing.........myself..... "Grandma Bingo Sex." Surely not a
common scenario, and surely not a scenario that would arouse
many a twisted psyche. Apparently I know nothing about the
human psyche. One hundred twenty two. ONE HUNDRED TWENTY TWO
PEOPLE would like to see grandma getting bent over the bingo
table, game card in hand, getting donkey punched by a 90 year
old addle brained porn star. I rubbed my eyes just to double
check. My eyes had to be lying to my brain. My penis had
shriveled to the size of a 2 day old Wendys chicken nugget.
They asked for Grandma.
They got Joan Jett.
At this point I had to start taking puffs of my albuteral
inhaler to keep from suffocating myself with laughter. "Girl
on girl toe insertion (LEGAL)" was my next proud creation.
Everyone likes 38 Special, so everyone won't feel like such
dumb-asses after downloading this footy piece of crap. Never
underestimate the inertia traveling behind a toe inserting
itself into a rectum, friends. It's like a fudging semi
hurling down Interstate 40 in the noonday sun. One hundred
twelve people wanted to jerk to this. God have mercy on us.
At this point, for some odd reason, the user name "Enraged
Baboon" popped into my head. "Enraged Baboon fudging a nipple
factory." No way in hell would this get many downloads. Who
could possibly type in any or all of those keywords? I guess
people like seeing sweaty red-ass baboons, nostrils flaring,
banging their chests like Marky Mark in the movie "Fear",
having sex WITH each other in a factory that produces
baby-bottle nipples. Imagine what those children would look
like. One hundred seventy two people typed those magic words
into Limewire, and got a hot steaming pile of monkey love.
Well, it was Pink Floyd, but a man can dream, cant he?
This could all seem very disturbing. My final experiment,
however, made me dizzy as my precious sack retreated into my
pelvis. ...THREE PEOPLE...three disgusting, drooling,
perverted, fudged up people, wielding a box of Puffs Plus and
a tube of Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion, bright eyed and
bushy tailed, wanted to see "An emu taking a vicious dump."
How does one take a VICIOUS dump and how does an EMU take one,
for that matter?
Ladies and gentlemen: this is why I have lost every last ounce
of faith in humanity.
If I may quote Method:
"You're going to make a lot of sick people very unhappy."

* PotSmoker has quit IRC (Broken pipe)
<careyasd> that's why you smoke joints

Annabel0Lee: I saw Jesus in my pop tart this morning.
LUunfortunate: did you eat it?
Annabel0Lee: Yes, is that wrong?
LUunfortunate: You coulda made money off of it
LUunfortunate: and then bought like a bunch of replacement
poptarts
Annabel0Lee: Well, I haven't had communion in a while...

DerANgeD: not cool! ctrl+w closes firefox 
DerANgeD: I was trying to press shift+w and accidentally hit
my ctrl button 
Triumph: whats shift+w?
DerANgeD: a capital W dumbass

<Thrice> my computer has 400 NIGGABYTES FREE!!!!!!
<Deadbolt> niggabytes count as 3/5 of a byte, right?

[@Swiftar]: 1-800-Flowers just sent me the "I Fucked Your
Sister, I'm Sorry" deal. Buy 24 roses get 24 free.

<SharpShooter>  else if( $A['type'] ']']']']']== ']']']']']==
']']']']==']']']==']']==']=='poll' )  <--- anything wrong with
that line?
<@Gordon> Ya, I get kinda dizzy when I try to read it
<@Working> what the fuck.

<Nitrix> Im using VI to edit a file, is anyone able to tell me
how i save and exit?
* EvolutionCrazy has joined #ev1servers
<agruetz> Nitrix :wq!
<Nitrix> whats :wq!?
<Nitrix> as in i press colon on the keyboard?
<Nitrix> so ALT ; ?
<agruetz> no shift + ;
<agruetz> maybe you should not be touching a computer let
alone be a server admin on a *nix box...

<Brian> I'll drink to that.
<Huitzil> You'll drink to changing the batteries in your smoke
detector!
<Huitzil> Which is quite important, don't get me wrong, but
not really a drinkable occurance.
<Brian> Hey!  I don't have a drinking problem!
<Brian> If anything, I'm TOO good at it. <_<

<n909> cool the girl across the street has her window on
<n909> and it's light enough that i can use binoculars
<n909> brb
<jack|ass> n909: you are a horrible person.
<jack|ass> n909: a gentleman would set up a webcam so all
could enjoy.

Genovese Laptop: so how long does it take to eat doom 3 hell
OpenSourceKeys: depends on the size of your bytes
Genovese Laptop: ba-zing

Nail: my chemistry teacher has bad grammar
Traceur: how so
Nail: princiPAL laws of quantum numbers
Traceur: he put principle?
Nail: no
Nail: put principal
Traceur: do yuo know the difference between those two wordS?
Nail: yeah, principal is like the school administrator
Nail: because he's your pal
Traceur: 'principal' also means 'main'
Traceur: a 'principle' is a concept
Traceur: your principal failure comes from not understanding
the principles of grammar.
Nail: fuck you.

<@ChrisH> Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily
briefing. He concludes
<@ChrisH> by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were
killed in an accident"
<@ChrisH> "OH DEAR GOD NO!!!" George W. Bush exclaims. "That's
terrible!!"  His
<@ChrisH> staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the
<@ChrisH> president sits, head in hands. Finally, the
President, devastated, looks
<@ChrisH> up and asks..........  "How many is a Brazillion??!"

<RamaWURK> THe first few hours of work
<RamaWURK> Just drag on
<Jato> Hey Rama.
<The_Orichalcon> Rama, play "What's that noise"
<The_Orichalcon> it helps pass the time
<Jato> How do you play "What's that noise"
<The_Orichalcon> you listen for a little while, and try to
hear a noise that you can't quite make out
<The_Orichalcon> then you go around finding out what's making
the noise
<The_Orichalcon> or the multiplayer version
<The_Orichalcon> if you have mates that are bored
<RamaWURK> lol
<The_Orichalcon> they make some noises
<The_Orichalcon> and you have to find out where and what they
are
<Jato> TO, you are on a whole other level of boredom.

<Shinji> good thing my microphone converts text two words! i
never half too worry about some won beeting me two the
punchlime.

Yojimbo: Why do they bother calling them biker chicks, why not
just "dykers?"

<Buddy`leftBehind`Lee> My wife demanded I take her out some
place expensive
<Buddy`leftBehind`Lee> I took her to a gas station

<cjr> My dad was in Edinburgh on holiday, and he was walking
around a street with lots of expensive restaurants
<cjr> And there was a homeless guy selling magazines at the
corner
<cjr> So he bought one, and had a chat
<cjr> Then he asked "Do you know any good restaurants around
here?"
<cjr> The homeless guy just stares at him for about ten
seconds and says "Yeah, I don't really eat out very often...
but I'd imagine they are all pretty good"
<cjr> I think my dad ran away after that

<snow> hurricanes are like women
<snow> when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they
leave they take your house and car.

<%typobox43> (I/O, I/O, it's to the bus we go)
<%typobox43> I can just imagine the electrical pulses singing
that.
<+BlindFool> You need to be shot

<narg> So my sister is about to enter college, and she was
telling everyone her room number - 404.
<narg> Then one day, she was looking at a college letter with
my parents, and she's like crap, my room number is 414!
<narg> Reflexivly, I said if people went there, they would be
like 404: Julie not found.
<narg> No one even looked my way ;(

Gimpy: lifes a bitch and im her pimp
HjMC: Fuck life!
Gimpy: that'll be 50 dollars

<YelseyKing> I was in a spelling bee once, when I was in
second grade.
<YelseyKing> The funny part is, it was for fifth and sixth
graders.
<YelseyKing> I was one of the last ones left standing, but I
lost thanks to &%&$&(%(&$& Mary Poppins.
<Indogutsu> They made you spell
"supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?"
<YelseyKing> No. "Chimney."

<Kiell> So I get a text message on Friday from a number I
didn't recognise...
<Kiell> it reads:
<Kiell> "Hi agatha this is betty i do not have very many
clothes to be ironed this week i am sorry but please can you
come next week. i hope you are well. betty."
<Kiell> I ponder this for an hour or two, and then reply:
<Kiell> "That's ok, betty.  I fucking suck at ironing. See you
next week.  Aggie."

<jdigittl> i just filled out an online mortgage application to
test something. I just received a phone call from a mortgage
broker: "Hi, I'd like to speak with, um, Mr Testy McTest..."

<+host> finally, I got some good help in #debian in freenode
<+host> and another lesson learned
<+host> I will never let someone ssh to my computer to upgrade
it
<+host> again

<Raidonkid> My sister is fucking slow. She came home last
night complaining about how her boyfriend lied to her and got
her pregnant. He told her he was circumcized twice and she
thought it meant he was sterile.

<Mivalekan> the next generation of games will feature not
consoles
<Mivalekan> but the games only which will only be tiny
capsules
<Mivalekan> with which you insert into your anus and the game
plays in your brain
<Mivalekan> MAKE WAY FOR THE FUTURE
<Nosnam> So basically, the next generation of games will be an
LSD suppository?

fukapuka: im gonna go to my other pc for a bit
idolcrash: ooh your other PC?
idolcrash: where you talk dirty to me and act like your dad?
idolcrash: and I act like some kid in michigan?
idolcrash: and if that is your dad please don't tell me

<Obliterat> do you have a fast connection or are you just fast
at typing?

<Fenril> That reminds me, there's a deaf person in one of my
classes, and she has a personal sign-language person.
<Fenril> And it's really freaking distracting.
<Satan> Now there's a job I wouldn't mind having.
<Cact> I don't have a beef with the deaf, it's just that they
freak me out with their moans and grunts sometimes.
<Fenril> I don't either, but it's hard to learn with a person
standing 3 feet from you and looking like she's having a
sock-puppet fight with herself.

<chrisg> is it star wars ep. 2 thats got the litte green guy
jumpin about fighting and stuff?
<grifferz> what you have just asked, is, to a star wars fan,
akin to saying, "so, that bible, is that the one where the
beardy guy conjures up a heap of fish?" to a christian

<ILuvChitlins> listen buddy you had best stop trying to hack
people with your script kiddie ways
<ILuvChitlins> or someone might get pissed off and ban you
from the internet
<Arsvith> Remind me again. You know /how/ much about
computers?

Sui Kiogi Az: you have such a succinct way with words you know
RuShKiN AsS: Damn skippy i do
RuShKiN AsS: I"m a fuckin magician with words
RuShKiN AsS: Ask amy!
RuShKiN AsS: Watch... you see the word fuck
RuShKiN AsS: I'll cut it in two
RuShKiN AsS: FU
RuShKiN AsS: CK
RuShKiN AsS: Now i will make it disapear
Sui Kiogi Az: you're a true wordsmith
RuShKiN AsS: 
RuShKiN AsS: WHERE DID IT GO
Sui Kiogi Az: I...don't know ::cries::
RuShKiN AsS: Oh whats that behind your ear... **pulls fuck
out**

<tumnus> i just set my clock the easiest way ever
<tumnus> i waited until it was midnight then i plugged it in
and left it

<DarthFoamy> Ah, unstable connections
<DarthFoamy> How do I despise thee?
<DarthFoamy> Let me count the ways!
<DarthFoamy> 1
<DarthFoamy> 2
* DarthFoamy has quit IRC (Quit: Ping timeout)

<thatbox> jpg artifacts are no fun for anyone!
<Binjuice> What about jpg archeologists?

(surfer) we tried to take off a stop sign
(Katriel) what did the sign say?
(surfer) stop

<DJnerate> I saw the epitome of laziness today
<DJnerate> there was this family at the mall, they were pretty
overweight
<DJnerate> they were headed for the escalator but maintenance
had shut it down for the day
<DJnerate> and the mother exclaims, "Oh no, how are we gonna
get down?"
<DJnerate> i was laughing my ass off watching them trying to
figure it out

<Klaatu> I logged into the admin account in a comp at my uni.
<Klaatu> I drew the word "Owned" and set it as the wallpaper.
<Hl1> Meh, that's good enough to hang with us. >.>
<Klaatu> 1337 :D
<Hl1> You just lost your cred.
<Klaatu> Aw fux0r. :(
<Hl1> And slowly going into the negatives...