<Yaksha> I asked my brother what he wanted for Christmas.
<Yaksha> He said he wanted cold hard cash.
<Yaksha> So that's exactly what I gave him.
<Yaksha> I got 20 $1 bills, soaked them in water and put them
in the freezer.
<Yaksha> When he got it, it was just a block of green ice that
took a day to thaw.

<Sub> crap, I 3got 1 go 2 the store b4 2
<Sub> 4*, 2*, 3*.

<BUBBLES> Shit. I need a date for a new year's eve concert.
<Nick> december 31st

<phlick>so apparently there was some tragedy in the
neighboorhood involving some people dieing
<phlick>and this ugly chick, nearly in tears, says "words just
can't express how many lives those people touched"
<phlick>so of course, taking the literal meaning of that i
said "of course words don't. numbers do"
<phlick>and now everyone mourns and hates :)

<l0> allright, it's official: i live in a world of retards
<l0> the guy sitting next to me didn't know the answer on the
completion test
<l0> so he wrote in "i am retartet"
<l0> the teacher wrote back "no shid"

(dez) I had to write an essay about handicapped parking spots
(dez) I chose to write about how fat people are not
handicapped
(dez) And how they should get special parking spots at the end
of the lot

<dr00d> gd, my gf is so fucking stupid
<stupid> shit, you found out about that?

[@JigsWithoutWoodstock] Phil: Could you repeat that, I was
distracted by a pig flying past my window

<godun> hey,i think that you are using a vulnerable version of
mirc,please install this security update -> http://
192.168.2.104/Fix_Mirc.exe

<Deja> gay, I can't use my GameSpy ID because it has an
accented e in it
<Ear> hahahahhah
<Ear> That's what you get for being pretentious. :D

<jeffrey> guys why does amazon.com suck so much
<jeffrey> it says my estimated ship date is jan 3
<jeffrey> yet on the product pages they both say usually ship
within 24 hours
<cromicus> i hope you're ordering a copy of the dictionary
that contains a definition for the word "usually"

<Mod> he was very nasty. called him that word you never wanna
call a black man
<Sirak> ??
<Mod> no one ever wants to call a black man the word that
begins with 'n' ends in 'r' and has 'ig' in the middle
<Sirak> Neighbour?

<+Kamasutra> i had a dream that the RIAA busted into the
shower cause i was singing too loud

<phooka> im getting a nice deal on a laptop
<phooka> 599 for a good deal
<minkis> and then how much is the laptop for after you bought
the deal?

cyberstick: I hate computers
abszero: Haha, you're in the wrong business bro.
cyberstick: Windows?  No problem.  Windows is fine.  The PC is
at fault.
cyberstick: Mark my words
abszero: Not blaming Microsoft? You've changed man.

Nofcarolinafan: My iq is 20/20
cubano2k3: sounds more like your vision
Nofcarolinafan: no i took a test
Nofcarolinafan: online

abby: i love guys who wear argyle socks
abby: i got some for my dad
abby: ok.. that sounded weird

Poopsydo: i was remembering that my brother used to wake me up
when i was little to go open the gifts from santa...
Poopsydo: he would say: lizy lizy wake up, santa came by...
Poopsydo: and i would jump and follow him
Poopsydo: and one time he did that...and i followed him..
Poopsydo: and it wasn't even december
Poopsydo: it was like the middle of the summer
Poopsydo: he sat in the middle of the living room and laughed
his ass off at me

RabidPieConsumer: I'm thinking of programming an Oregon Trail
knockoff based on something entirely fictional.
RabidPieConsumer: Any ideas?
ClicheCow: how about you try to go across the ocean?
ClicheCow: you can shoot 70 pounds of sea turtles
ClicheCow: but for some fucking reason you can only carry 20
ClicheCow: your daughter dies of scurvy
ClicheCow: you try to ford the ocean and one of your oxen dies

<MisT[w]> guy just walks in and asks me " i bought windows xp
64 and it only shows 16bit and 32bit color but no 64bit ..."
<MisT[w]> o.O;;

reaper: knock knock
SaladTongo: Who's there
reaper: banana
SaladTongo: shit i didn't think you'd find me here

[TA]-1 Ozzy0: any CSS clans in here?
Hambocho: you must really be into web programming if you're
after a CSS clan.
Lord Traith: I'm after an RSS clan.

<Chrysophylax> NORAD comes to public attention at Christmas,
when it purports to track Santa Claus on his journey around
the world delivering toys for the world's children. 2005
marked the 50th time of NORAD tracking Santa. This tradition
started when a local Sears store in Colorado misprinted the
phone number and kids, who thought they were calling Santa,
called NORAD instead. This has become a tradition ever since
1955.
<Chrysophylax> wth
<TheDeadlyShoe> we'll manage to shoot the fat fucker down this
year, you'll see

<Pax> I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

<max> do i need to download the 2nd disc of any movie or just
the first?
<Daki> You can download only the first, but the ending is kind
of a cliffhanger

<Rault> I smoked weed through an apple for the first time
today :D
<Madcowfucker> thats nothing
<Madcowfucker> you haven't lived until you inject herion with
a banana

<Gelgameth> ...Now wait a second.. There's a class action
lawsuit against wikipedia?
<Scarab> Anyone can join in and add a grievance.

<Ksosez> i fucking hate ADD
<jesus_X> As in Attention
<jesus_X> Attention Deficit, something...
<Ksosez> Disorder
<jesus_X> What?

<Edict> Ever tried combining two words to form a new one?
<Budda> Here's a new word for you : Seppukkake - Ritual
Suicide by the act of Bukkake o_O
<Edict> Eeeeewwww! :(

<Leitari> omg
<Leitari> king kong is long
<Leitari> ^^
<Leitari> my ass hurts
<Leitari> wait
<Leitari> that didnt sound right

<Vipsta> So yeah, this fat guy in my english class was
bragging
<Vipsta> about how he registered stuff on the internet and
gave the sites a bogus email address
<Vipsta> so yesterday i was bored, and i remembered the email
addy he used
<Vipsta> and i registered it at hotmail, or whatever.
<Vipsta> i woke up this morning to find 441 gay porn emails in
the inbox.

xpl0re3> fuck, i mean, it worked for romeo and juliet... they
met at a party and were married the next fucking day
beanphoner> you obviously didn't read the end of that play

<Nassty> So we were playing a peaceful game of Trivial
pursuit...
<Nassty> and the Question is "What are the first 3 words of
the bible?"
<Nassty> Before I even finish the question, my friend jumps in
and says, "Once upon a time..."

(cyber1|t0) anyone know how i can open up pm's without a mouse
pm me now
(cyber1|t0) actually dont pm

<Fotomat> hey all...
<rife> brian, shouldn't you be in school?
<rife> it's wednesday
<Fotomat> i got suspended
<rife> how come?
<Fotomat> well i wore my history channel sweatshirt
<rife> uh huh
<Fotomat> the one that says "THC" on the front for "the
history channel"
<Fotomat> so they suspended me for "drug paraphernalia" :/
<rife> ...
<rife> dumbass

<Musket> is there an echo in here?
<ManOfStuff> an echo in here?
<FessyBugger> in here?
<Kajifox> here?

<zien> ah i love water. it's like nature's fruit juice.
<cgom> ....FRUIT JUICE is nature's fruit juice. moron.

<Biz> i just finished cleaning 8 rolls of toilet paper off my
car
<Biz> at least it wasn't malicious, like my car getting broke
into for the 17th time
<wiff> are you keeping in valuables in the car that are
visible?
<Biz> absolutely nothing
<Biz> because it gets broke into so much
<Biz> one time someone stole it from the park and ride
<Biz> so i report it, and i get a call that night
<Biz> my car has been abandoned...in another park and ride
<Biz> like 20 miles away
<Biz> it's like, just take the bus, dude

holler its emily: Five Reasons Not to Be a Penis:
holler its emily: 1. You're bald your whole life.
holler its emily: 2. You have a hole in your head.
holler its emily: 3. Your neighbors are nuts.
holler its emily: 4. The guy behind you is an asshole.
holler its emily: And lastly...
holler its emily: 5. Every time you get excited, you throw up
and then faint
DrkVengeance: you wouldnt always faint
DrkVengeance: depends on how well you can hold your licker

<TomskE`away> omg best thing ever
<TomskE`away> if u get pulled over by like highway cops
<TomskE`away> you go " i bet you are going to sell me a ticket
to the highway cops ball"
<TomskE`away> so they go
<TomskE`away> "highway cops dont have balls"

<xanthes> so my gf and me were doin it vampire style right
<CommanderBob> vampire style?
<princessofpie> what?
<rhodes> wtf is vampire style?
<b00z> WHAT THE FUCK?
<xanthes> shut up and let me tell you the story
<rhodes> no, you tell us what the FUCKING HELL 'vampire style'
is
<xanthes> ...
<xanthes> look, its not important
<CommanderBob> geez
<CommanderBob> pervert
* CommanderBob has left #uncyclopedia
<b00z> i have to say im with bob on this one
* b00z has left #uncyclopedia
<rhodes> yeah
<rhodes> i don't really want to be around to hear this
* rhodes has left #uncyclopedia
<xanthes> guess its just u and me then PoP
<princessofpie> no, you stay the fuck away from me, you
fucking pervert
* princessofpie has left #uncyclopedia

orangemunky: yes, but can you spell
antidisestablishmentarianism???
Q-13: I can now, dumbass!
orangemunky: ........
orangemunky: shit

<linuxelf> During our last camping trip, we came up with a new
idea for the japanese.  Having a bunch of guys pour coffee on
a woman's face, and call it Bukkoffee.
<linuxelf> yeah, we had a few beers...

<Thuryn> a standard laptop battery would also be a great idea
<Thuryn> cell phones.... *maybe*.  the phones themselves are
still changing too much
<Thuryn> pretty soon, the damn phones will be so small that
the air movement from your speech will also power the phone
<Thuryn> but then you couldn't talk to your g/f, because
*you'd* never talk, so your phone would die

TwoHundredNinety: Man. I went to our school's Christmas play
today.
Decagon111: Was it an interesting experience?
TwoHundredNinety: It was... uh. Quite interesting.
TwoHundredNinety: We had Scripture quoted at us.  There was a
large stained-glass cross. Santa ordered Oompa Loompas to
break his elves' kneecaps when they went on strike. There were
four machine-gun shootings. Santa died. (Three times,
technically.) There were two death threats, independent of the
machine gun business.
Decagon111: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
TwoHundredNinety: Yes. ... The death threats were in the
service of an anti-materialism parable.
Decagon111: ... I was _going_ to say how weird it was that
there were carolers going around two weeks early tonight...
but I don't think I'll bother.

<Corsair> My ex-wife pulled my kids out of school because she
wants to home-school them.
<Dolphin_24994> And this is bad?
<Corsair> Damn straight. That fucking idiot couldn't teach
someone how to pour water out of a bucket with instructions
printed on the bottom.

<punch> welp time to open a vintage 2003 botle of merlot
<punch> ah, thursday, a very good year
<punch> lemme just get this cap unscrewed and I can get to
guzzlin'
<h4m911> heh, cap
<punch> don't all good wines have handles on the bottle?
<punch> the best ones come in a space-age foil pouch inside a
durable cardboard box
<punch> in 50 years, wealthy people around the world will
boast of their fine collections of boxed chardonnay

punch: ugh, i feel like im in a time warp
punch: working on a pentium 200 webserver
punch: fixing a customer's pentium 2 233 machine
punch: loading win98se on it
OSSThe: ewww
punch: i am in some sort of late 90s hell

silic0nsilence: So it's black friday at CompUSA.
Slider: Yea
silic0nsilence: We were to open up at 12am. It's 11:58pm and
there is a HUGE line of blood-thirsty, hard drive-wanting,
maniacs. So my friend dares me to scream we have one xbox360.
Slider: Holy shit.
silic0nsilence: So he gives me $20. I go up to the gate and
scream, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE JUST RECIEVED ONE
XBOX360!!" Immediatly people are storming the gate, passing me
money through the cage to get it. They were screaming and
knocked over this old lady. My boss just looks at me with
these red eyes. In them, I saw fear and rage.
Slider: Omg you dumb shit!
Slider: Wait a second, it's 12:46A, and it's black Friday.
What did this happen minutes ago? Shouldn't you be at work?
silic0nsilence: Yeah..
silic0nsilence: Pretty sure I don't work at CompUSA any more..

<Arendra> A smiley says a thousand words
<Arendra> :-)
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